The obstacle.

An incident just happened to me recently...

It is like the most hurting thing that could happen to me..

Bt i dont know why i could forgive that easily???

The only thing i could say is probably the love for him is just too great...and always believing that humans are not perfect..that is what that made me forgave him.

I tend not to concentrate so much on the sadness,coz if i do,i'll just walk away leave everything behind..

therefore i put more focus on the cause..why it happen?what is lacking? what i can do to improve myself ?

Yes i did cry til my most terrible migraine hit me...but i let it out at least.

Felt better thenafter.

But trust me,my hope and trust has broken.

I'm giving him another chance coz i believe in second chance.

Oh god my tears just couldnt stop as i am typing this...

why do u have to do that to me??????

why love????

what sins have i done to u ???

i treated you like ur a king,my parents treated u like their own son...we gave you all the love we have...respect you as you are...but this is what we get in return...???

i did tell u that my heart almost stopped when i found out about it coz i gave you my trust with the hope that you wouldnt break it...but the person whom i tot would not hurt me a bit,hurt me the most....

you told me at that point of time you were frustrated with my behavior,

you think i was very rude towards you...but i never use a single vulgarities on you do u know that?? i am never that kind of girl...you said my words are sarcastically hurtful...yup i am very sarcastic coz' i want you to see the truth...but you doesnt seem to be seeing it...all you do is get mad,talk harshly and make the tiger in me be alive...do u ever realize that both of us are humans...we know what is anger and we react when triggered...i tried my best to be the most polite partner you could ever have but instead the blame you put on me...you said i rebel,yes maybe i did....coz' my soul is screaming silently...i want myself to be heard too...not only i am the one hearing and accepting..its torturing me...i know you are the man,i given u uttermost respect...treated you with oh-so-much LOVE and care...but what did i get?? Broken heart.

We went to the pre marital course and learnt a lot from it...we promise to apply it to our daily lives...to communicate things even if its the ugliest or the worst thing you have to say and share-you still have to communicate...coz' truth does hurts but as human we could improve...but it seems that you didnt really learn syg...you resort to something that broke my heart...even tho' nothing happened between the both of you...but ur actions tells me alot about u...i know you told me that u regretted so much...and that you swear upon god that you will never do it again...but that is not the matter..the matter is whether or not u know what causes it..?? its you my dear..you have to think and think deep before you want to do anything...whether or not it could solve or it could add to your problems..if ur behavior still persist eventho' u swear u wont do it again,the tendency and the probability of you doing it again is still there...this is just minor obstacle,what if the obstacle gets even greater??? i'm sure you will forget ur swear coz u didnt think..u bypass ur brain and go straight to actions.

I could do what u did but becoz' i Think and Think deep whether or not it will solve my problems..i never tot of doing it at all.

And pls...eliminate the bad habits of lying...coz I seriously hate LIARS.

U could lie and no one sees it..But Allah is always watching you.At anytime ur lies will be known to the person u had lied if Allah wants to.

I just hope that we could start afresh coz' you are the one who is so seriously begging me to stay....if i follow my heart and sadness,i'll probably be so far away from you now...now,i will work and try to be the most polite and respectful partner to you and on your part you have to make it up for the trust that was broken...trust can be build...you broke it,you work hard earning it back.

Don't be angry if things are a bit different now...coz naturally it will be...you have to accept the consequences of ur own actions.It all matters to you whether or not u want the difference to be prolong or u wanna work hard and bring things back to the old sweet memories..

I love you still and that is why i am still here looking forward to the day i could officially be your wife...

Meanwhile,i seriously hope we start afresh and work out the flaws.

Yours truly

your wife to be.

Back.

Dear Diary,

I have to apologize for my absence for a fairly long time i must say...I have been very occupied with my life since i met with Muhaimin.He gave me a new hope,new life,new happiness and most importantly a new part of me.
It feels as though i have known him for long but truth is its only been 6 months and we are already on the preparation for our Solemnization in January next year. :) I thank god for that,I couldn't ask for more.It feel so real in this relationship.
We argue,we fight,we cry and we laugh together..we go tru' the odds together and always be there for each other no matter what.. see how blessed i was...

Recently,we do argue quite frequently..I feel hurt too...not be because u hurt me,because of people around and the obstacles that god has given me.... I'm trying my very best to overcome every bit of it...Sometimes all this obstacles influenced my mentality...and made me query...should i or should i not?? Bu i try to find the cause ..and the cause was from myself... coz of my Low Self-Esteem...i freakin' need to lose weight so that i can gain back the confidence and that beautiful curves i once had...i have about 7 more months to go before my big day...
Please do give me the drive and motivation to work on it....oh god pls...it hurts me when someone u really respect says some negative remarks on my body...it really do hurt..but i can accept it...coz i'm gonna be ur daughter in law and i know u says that coz u want me to look at my best... i have to be less sensitive in the future too...Thanks to u that my drive to work on it became stronger..

In my heart,i know i can do it and i know that even tho' i may not score physically,but i did my best in my morale and attitude...plus Muhaimin loves me so much that he couldnt live without me..does that tells me something? Yes,i should marry him coz i can't live without him to...
there was a saying:" Don't marry a person coz u wanna be with him but marry a person coz u cant live without him..." and i truly believe in that...

Oh this is so therapeutic...thank you diary for hearing me out.

Disgusted.

I was nudged by Suzanne in MSN again...

I thank god that i was not meant for him...
Utterly disgusted by him...
In Summary-heartbreaker.

But yeah...its the past...and i believe in KARMA too.
Forgotten about it too.

I have got no time to think about it too..
not worthy.

Random

Lots of things happened.
-Allahyarhamha nenek is resting peacefully now...
-I feel so happy and blessed to be able to meet the most beautiful person in my life-Muhaimin
-2 of my colleagues got engaged at the same day and time ...
-i'm getting fatter aka happier-but i freaking needs to lose weight coz Lovey is not so tall in height..hehe!
-planning for a short vacation to Bandung with my couple in crime... ;)
-Some freaking woman aka Suzanne(someone's EX!) msn me -i freaking dunno for whatever reason..?? wth?lucky thing i was in a movie with love and didnt reply to her msgs..Freako.

blah blah blah.......etc etc...

didn't know 2010 will be an eventful year....still more to come :)