The Mishap.

Got a bad news from Izzul.

Ahmad me with an accident.

Being a workhaholic,I have only yesterday to go visit him after my day shift.

Off to NUH after work with Kak Midah & Jasmine.

Aww..poor thing Ahmad..

Both hands fractured and he showed a picture of his open wound..man..it was gawry!

But we were overall glad that he is doing absolutely fine and there is no head injury during the mishap.

Ahmad looks drowsy though.

The effect of Pethidine.

Get well soon buddy and you don't need ITE student nurses to feed you like Ah peks!

Hmm..I wonder how it feels to be assisted in toilet needs since both hands is immobilize..lol..

You better be good and behave hor..lol

And this workhaholic is super exhausted.Superwoman needs to sleep now...ZzzzZZ.

That Powerful...

It took me this much effort,this long and this many heartbreaks to just try to forget and get over you....and I still miss you....

I just woke up from a very long nightmare.I just realize how much times i've used....almost 2 years i think?

I no longer wants to live in denial.I know it is you i have deep in my heart no matter what...no more guys as replacement of you no more love as a substitute for your love.I have to accept the fact that it is YOU i have in my heart and no one else.

Enough of being a liar to myself.
I know I will not have you in my life but I want to be honest with myself and not hurt myself again and again by making myself vulnerable to all those guys.I want to be that happy,carefree,beautiful lady that i always wanted to be.

Oh geez..working again tomorrow morning after one day of rest??I am a superwoman indeed..lol

Workhaholic.

Did i tell you my roster sucks?
Yes it sucks.
I have no life.
I'm officially a workhaholic!
Damn my supervisor.

Doesn't mean i'm a single lady i have all the time only for work lor...
I have frens and family too ok..
Idiot!

Thankfully i'm smart enough to try find sometime to be as close as possible with my family...
But seriously,I have no time left for frens...so sad.

I'm waiting for my leave in August.Hopefully I could ketchup with them.Miss them loads.

And I have recovered from my Flu.Thank god.
Back to work!

Flu-ing away.

I am down with flu.
Feeling very very weak but i didn't wanna take MC.
Reason being i don't want to make my IDIOT supervisor change my shift from 2 shifts to 3 shifts.
Every of my day shifts for the past days was hell hectic...
But syukur alhamdulilah that i am able to complete my tasks properly even tho' at times I just feel like giving up and go home...haiz..
I just hate superiors who are bias!!!

Everyday for the past days,I just went home straight and fall on my bed til' the next morning when i'm due for my next day shift...What a life...!

And

Did i told you that Zal called me the other day coz' he says he tot of me when he was watching video of the Malaysian Singer,Ella..? It reminded him of me...I was like ..what the heck?? or is it you just call me just to have good relation with me and then you can slowly tk advantage of me and hurt me again and again?? Get lost!I already told you that treat as if I'm dead..I hate myself for being too nice to him...I still can talk to him like there's nothing wrong...*slapsmyhead* But seriously I have no more feelings for that jerk!

Even tho' Mus took advantage of me financially..at the very least he treats me well...he cares for me and even tho' I have made it clear to him that i wanted to end things off with him,he still calls me every other day to check on me and make sure i'm alright...

Haiz...some people just treat-'' hurting others'' as their hobby I guess...

P.S. I notice that the more I try to get away from all these guys and forget about Love at the moment,the more these guys is trying to cum back to me.....fortunately,I am stronger than yesterday... :)
Imma keepon being a workhaholic...and keepon givin me love to ma family and loved ones.

Apologies.

Apologies to Someone .
Actually it wasn't him who didn't acknowledge my Birthday wish ..
it is just the crappy MSN..
So sorry bout my last post...
It's my bad.

P.S. I think i'm falling sick..my throat feels sore and my nose is starting to run....tsk tsk..

All about May.

Wow..it's been long since i last posted.Work has kept me busy and i am not complaining.I am just hating the fact that i am working here and not somewhere else.I'm still pressing on til' next year June...Pls make the time move faster!

Anyways Shoutout to all May Babies!
Someone(13 May),Mus(14 May), Kak Wati (14 May),Kak Midah (26 May).
Happy Birthday to you all..I have already wish ya'll personally but someone just wouldn't even acknowledge it..hmm dunno if he got it or not..well watever la..No worries and cheers!
Mr Mus is as usual missing me and going missing always..hahah!!Oh boy,you are already 3o this year! hahah!
I had a girl's night out with Kak Wati (cuzzin) on the night of her Birthday.Just the two of us.I'm glad she is happy.
And as for my Kak Midah aka My Kuku..still thinking of what i should get for her... hmmm...
That's all about Birthday stuffs.

P.S. I'm having a pimple breakout....help!!!

I'm focused.

I feel so much calmer nowadays.Never think about people who don't deserve to be thought about.Never bothers about others who won't appreciate.And for sure...I am not looking for Love now...Coz' when you seek for it,you'll bump into the wrong ones..True Love comes by without having to be searched for...

I am glad and thankful to god for giving me the chance to change my life before it is too late...I feel more focused with my life and for sure i know where i am leading my life to now...Syukur Alhamdulilah...

And the people who have been so caring about me is my Elder Bro,Mom & Dad...plus my Kak Midah(close colleague) & my close cuzzin...from now on,these people should have my ultimate attention and Love...

To all my guy frens or girl frens out there...I'm sorry if I have not been answering your calls or ignored your msgs..I am trying to be more focused in my life for now...Hope you guys understand.

Happy Mother's Day.

A very Happy Mother's Day to all mommys wherever you are.You all have been great!

Mom,

you are the Love of my life...no love is as pure and sincere as your Love.I can never thank you enough for all the sacrifices you've made all these years.You are Extremely-Strong,Undeniably-Loving,Unbelievably-patient,SuperDuper-responsible,Incredibly-polite and surely-Sweet!!No words could describe you actually.You are my Superwoman...I love you,Mom.You've been doing great in taking care of me & Bros...We all Love you..*hugs & Kisses*

P.S. I hope you like the mini humble celebration we had just for you.

The Uninvited.

Me and my girl colleagues went to catch a movie.We saw ''The Uninvited.'' We initially wanted to watch the Wolverine(aka my boyfie)haha..but one of my colleague already watch it and so we went from Plaza Sing to Woodlands to catch The Uninvited.We bought the 2330hrs movie tixs.It's been so long since I got a chance to go out with my girls..miss them so much...! I'm sorry I was too busy giving my attention to certain people who don't deserve it! I'm back to who I am now...That Sweet girlfren that you all Love....*hugs*

Well well well....the movie is good.Good story twist.And I think I let out a loud scream in one of the scene...Geez ...my heart almost got out from my jaw ok!!haha...not that horrifying but good storyline.I rate it 7/10.

P.S. We gonna have a movie marathon on Tuesday...yeay!!I

Early Morning happenings.

The Condominium Security Guard Mats is not bad-looking eh..?? Smile so sweetly at me and ask for my contact no. sumore! And bonus point is He calls me Ma'am....!!! hahahahha!!Cute kan?? lol...But whatever la...I just find you cute lor but i'm not interested in anything more than that..I'm Single but not interested....hahah!

Then when I took the cab,this Chinese cum Malay-fluent speaking Uncle(he is 50 years old) chatted with me throughout the whole journey..So fluent la his malay...he says he like Malay ladies...and I caught him looking at me from the front mirror...I was not wrong to think negatively of him ok...he handed me his number and ask me to call him whenever I am free and he knows that i am only like 23 years old lor!! ...Oh my god..U want to be my sugar daddy isit?? hmm maybe you can be my chauffeur instead..?? hahaha...

Typical guys...*yawns*

ZzzzZZzz......

Towards a brighter light.

Your Love is confusing me.What is Love to you? You can say Love to anybody like you saying hello...It is really disappointing when someone give Love such a bad name...saying Love to one person and then Love to another person at the same time...?? I don't understand that kind of Love.

Many not-so-nice stuffs has been happening to me.Incident report at work,another fall on the road,got cheated by taxi driver and its all because my mind is not focused! I was too distracted with so many things up in my head.And one of it is Love.

Mom advices me to try forget Love matters for now coz' she feels that it is one major mess up in my head that had caused me to be out of my focus.Mom was really disappointed that I kept getting to know people but it doesnt stays long and truthful.I told mom that ever since I ended things with Someone i have tried my very best to open up my heart but it always fail.I got myself hurt ample times.Mom even told me that deep inside her she could sense that i'm was trying so hard to wipe Someoneout of my mind while trying to get to know new people.And she even told me that until now,she can never sense sincerity in the guys i know compare with Someone & Sham...To her,Someone & Sham are sincere people and their Love was true.She also could see the happiness in my eyes when I was with Someone,she told me I was full of spirit,serene-looking and always wears a smile on my face...And of course hearing all that i just teared...''we are not meant to be..''I said.... And plus they are now happily getting married with the ones made for them...i'm just thankful that I got a chance to know someone like them.

I realized that I have already moved on from Someone but its just that I have failed to stop and think for a moment as I was too eager to move on from the painful past.I just keeps on getting to know people,opens up my heart easily and gets hurt frequently.I was as sincere as can be to all the guys that I fall for but most of them isn't as sincere and some even took advantage of my kindness.Why can't I just remain all by myself and seek inner peace within myself? I think the answer is-I was too afraid to be alone....it is very scary to be alone.I still vividly remembers how my life was just after i ended things with Someone.It is a scary loneliness-so empty.

But now,Loneliness is not so scary anymore coz i have overcome it.Rather than I keep getting hurt,I rather be alone and be focused with my life esp. my career.No more social networking website like Tagged or whatever-Facebook is acceptable for reasons like colleagues and friends.

I will follow what mom has said-To be more focused in my work and life.Getting rid of all the distractions which is not worthwhile.I want to be a better daughter,sister,colleague and friend to everyone around me.

I'm dead serious.

Life's like that.

People change.Everybody's changing.Only the true ones don't and will remain.Therefore,if you are neglected or feels that you are given cold shoulder by anyone,just take a deep breath and tell yourself-you are glad you are not like them.

Slowly move away from them coz' u don't want yourself to be the unwanted props in the scene.Although disappointing,it is at the same time fulfilling.They don't deserve you in the first place and it is their loss.And as for you,you have lesser people to take care of. One day they will realize and only then it is too late for them.This is life.

Not My Day.

It was not a good night.It started with having to see my manager's face.Then I know my assignments is gonna be tough coz' she basically hates me so much.Expected.Everyone has 1 patient to nurse except me.I have 2 patients to nurse.One is intubated,with EVD and stuffs and the other is this spoilt bratl who is super-annoying and irrtating! I feel like slapping her bloody face!I am always known to be very patient and loving towards kids but not this timel!Then,I have to pass over to this senior staff nurse who is very strict.I unluckily overlook my 2am oral medicines and didn't administer it.She reported straight to my superior.Expected.Incident report.Wrote quickly and handover to my superior.Luckily my this particular superior is a very nice person.My foul luck doesn't end there.After work i decided to treat my whole family at home with Macdonald's Breakfast.Bought 5 sets of breakfast and hail a cab home.While I was carrying the loads of food,I got up from the cab and wanted to alight.I then tripped and fell on my knees.Oh god..I feel like crying but I hold it back...these are just minor obstacles of my life journey.Insya Allah,tomorrow will be a better day.

Your Charming 16.

Bro turns 16 today.Your beloved Sister is wishing and praying for your well-being always.May you have lots of fun,happiness,good health & Love always.Study hard and excel in your studies.Lesser computer games,soccer & ''lepakings'' sessions please! Your N level is coming.Pls buck up and work it on alright.And I know you will surely Love my gifts.You better appreciate it coz' you are just one Lucky guy to have such a generous sister like me lor! *smile with tongue out*
Enjoy your day,Bro.

Happy For You.

I was browsing tru' facebook and i suddenly saw my Ex,Azhar just got married.

I know that he told me several months back after our break up that he is getting married in 2009 but we lost contact after i changed my number.

And there i saw his wedding photos in facebook...

They look stunning... :)

May you have an everlasting and blissful marriage...Have the juniors soon aite...!! hehe!

And next year,i think Someone and Sham is getting married...hehe....aww.. i'm happy for you guys...

And as for Me..?? I'm getting married to Dubai/Saudi/Bahrain next year ..insya allah......lol.

Your Leave.

You may leave.I won't stop you.I'm disappointed accompanied with many other feelings like hurt,crushed,broken, etc.I'm needing a break from all of these.Just so you know that I have always been trying my best to make you happier & better but you are just not seeing it.Pointless.

I'm sorry if you think I have let your pride down as a guy.No intentions of it at all.God knows.You can continue with what you have been doing.Keep giving everything up so easily,Keep giving people who Loves you hope and crushed them,Keep running away from your problems,Keep letting your past haunt your future.Keep doing it and we shall see how happy you are gonna be.

You take care.

P.S. I'm always wishing and praying for your better.

Signing off,

Your Evil cum Cruel Nur.

Total Disappointment.

Do you think i deserve this kind of treatment from you? I may be too obliging and empathetic towards people I love,but that doesn't mean that you can make use of me!

I have been sacrificing so much for you and even to the the extend of having to put up with my own embarassment of having to approach someone to help me so that I could help you!There goes my pride.I have never ever did that and that was my first time doing it- just because I sincerely wanted to help you so much! I even told you I had to use my own expenditure for food!I am not a calculative person,trust me-you can ask the people around me-I just feel like it is getting way too far.You keep telling me about your problem whenever we have conversations.You keep telling me you are feeling so stressed up.You keep telling me that and telling me this..and almost all of it is relating to $$$.Tell me how am I not curious about how sincere you are befriending me..??? Sometimes I wonder if there is even Love for me in the first place!!

And when I question you about this,you just blow your top and accused me of saying you are a materialistic person when all i want is just to question your sincerity...!So much for sacrificing in the name of Love...this what i get out of it all...thanks.

I kinda see the reasons behind it all...

It hurts me deep down.You'll know how it feels when one fine day you know what is the feeling of sacrificing for someone you really Love.

P.S. Stop asking for my acct no.coz' I have helped you sincerely and I don't expect a return.I just need you to appreciate.Not by uttering words of appreciation but by feeling it with your heart.

I'm not gonna disturb you anymore coz' I know you won't even want to talk to me ever again.I'm speechless too.You tk good care of yourself for me.Don't let people hurt you or make use of you.I would Love to see a sincere smile on your face one fine day.I'll be happy for you.

So peaceful.

I feel so peaceful when i look at both of them sleeping soundly.I have just settle down tucking them in to sleep.After they recited some prayers,they fall asleep so easily..I just smiled looking at them sleeping so soundly.

I have to wake up early tomorrow.Think i'm going to be a bit busy from tomorrow onwards.Working hard and also to distract me from certain things.

P.S. I keep seeing you in the beautiful picture of my future happiness....whatever la..i have like 3-4 years to earn lots of money to make me a happy person in my future..So it is too early to think about family...geez..lol

A Nurse to a Babysitter.

Today I woke up at 12 noon.So tired after yesterday.I cleaned my house thouroughly while my mom cook my favorit dish-Mee Soto. Actually,it wasn't meant for me but for my niece and nephew.I will be taking care of them for today.Their mom needs to run some errands and i volunteered to babysit them since today is my off day.

Gonna pick them up from school which is like few metres away from my house and then wash them up clean.Made them have a good dinner,watch a bit of tv,check if they have any homework to be done and guide them tru' it,talk and chit-chat with them for awhile and if they are tired,will tuck them in to sleep. :)

I have to sleep early too coz' I have to work day shift tomorrow.Mom will help me send them to school tomorrow since i have to get out from the house as early as 0515hrs.Gonna prepare their favorit Omelette sandwiches for them to bring to school tomorrow.

Ok ok..I know I sounded like a mom with two kids...! Just that a Loving Hubby is not in the picture now...lol...if there is a husband figure in the picture,it would be better... I'll probably not sleep so early after the kids is asleep *wink wink* lol...sorry i get too carried away...haha

P.S. Today is gonna be a better day...

Short JB trip.

Just reached home from my short JB trip.I was working today.But then my kuku(close colleague) decided to make a crazy plan.Off to JB without much thought.We ate ayam penyet and met up with her sister who lives in JB to do some ketchup.Once tummy is filled and we are contented,we went home.Tired but all smiles.

Oh geez..I'm working another 3 more shifts before i have my weekends off.So draggy.Can i please just have the weekends off and not work...?? i wish lor...And i'm having plans with my Good fren,Zal on saturday..haha..we probly gonna watch Movie and then head up to fish with some of his frens and a new fishing mate which according to him is a skillful young lady..Oh my...i'm so gonna be inspired by her and probly could ask her for useful fishing tips ;) I want to catch a fish so badly!! *pouting lips*

P.S. I am feeling a bit better today but some things towards the end of the day just makes me lose the calm mood i have throughout the day...but its okay..tomorrow is gonna be a better day...As long as I know what i am doing and what is wrong and right..i just don't have to be bothered by all these people.

Beautiful Memories.

I was browsing tru' all the pictures while listening to all my favorit songs.I teared & smiled when I look at those pictures. It was indeed a beautiful sight.

Not too worry.I just need some time to get over things.I know we are good frens now.And just as much as you don't want to lose me,I don't want it too.

Tomorrow,I will be a more inspired person.I will get out from my room and head out to do what i am suppose to do.Work hard and play hard :)

Reaching for my star.

Life is meant to be challenging for some of us.And no one in this world could escape from having problems in our everyday life.We are thought to be wiser with every challenges and problems that comes in our way with each time that passes us by.Sometimes we learnt,sometimes we don't.Don't regret on it coz' there is always reasons why it happens.

I was all alone at home today.My family went out for grocery shopping.I have always been the one who would follow my parents out but not today.I was feeling not too well and needed to rest so much.Told my mom that i don't feel like going anywhere today and went back to sleep.When i woke up,i feel so empty suddenly...but i expected this feeling.A lot of things happened yesterday.It was a mixed feeling.But i'm glad everything was settled there and then.

I'm feeling better now.My vision now is about me,myself and I.I really promised to myself that i'm going to concentrate on my career and my future.I will let matters of the Heart to rest.Let my heart heal slowly.It is about time I rise up and reach for the star!! :)

P.S. It feels empty but it is not hurting... :) I'll get better in time....

Crushed Hopes.

My tears aint gonna stop now..my heart is breaking and breaking again into pieces....

Dear god,
this is not the first time that my hopes are being crushed.And i still never learnt from the past.I still give my heart to someone who can potentially break me into pieces.What wrong have i done to all these people...i wana know my mistakes...coz i tot' i have given tender loving care to them and cherish them more than my own life...what signs does all this hurt indicates....??*sob sob*
I need a shoulder to cry on now....I really need it...so so hurt...so so broken inside...it's gonna be a wet wet night....coz' i'm sleeping on my wet pillow...wet blanket and wet bolster....
*choked*
Nitez..

So Low.

I decided to take a different route home from work today.I just feel like having a slow & long journey home.I was in my deep thoughts throughout the whole journey home..it felt so mellow...I want to go out of Singapore and work in Dubai..not that i hate Singapore,just wanna have time off from here and explore the other side of the world and earned good money.

Dear Allah,pls make the time go faster...

Distant & Distance.

I don't know when the tags was sent to her.But I don't blame you if you really love her coz' Love can't be forced or lead.It may be just a tag.But it does have a meaning.Don't worry coz' i will never blame you...I have no rights over you.I totally understand that you and her are just Mama & Papa on the net and you guys may just be frens.But as a lady who loves somebody,she will eventually feel hurt when she sees someone she Love gets real close and intimate with another lady...Like i said,you have all the rights to Love anyone you want to.I'm not angry or anything.Probably just jealous & hurt.But again i said,i'm no one to get jealous of you over someone else.I have no right to.I'm actually angry and hurt with myself coz' i Love a person too much.I should Love myself more.I realized that my heart is not that hard to go tru' all of it.It has been hurt too much.Pls don't feel guilty over anything alright.This is nature of Life.We never run out of complicatedness,problems,hurt and misunderstandings.I don't want to be a hinder for you to fall for anyone that is probably meant for you...
Dear Diary,
It just hurt me to see or to know someone you Love is showing Love to someone else.My tears just rolled down my cheeks when i saw the tags on her profile.It hurts to know someone who says LOVE to you saying it to someone else.I know this kind of things is gonna happen especially with my complicated status.I'm aware of the risk i'm putting on myself.Everytime I meet him and spent my time with him,I feel that i am special to him but when i see photos or Loving words of him and her,I feel hurt.Maybe I should just keep a distance and not let myself fall for him further coz' everytime he stares into my eyes,my Love just adds on...and being a girl,you will be in a miserable position to Love somebody who isn't yours to begin with...*teary*
Oh Allah....
I believe in fate and i have strong faith...if we r meant to be..we will be..insya allah..if we r not...I'm accepting it with an open heart...
P.S. I'm getting impatient to go Dubai/Saudi Arabia to work..maybe i could find more peace there.

Been & Back.

Been & back from my Terengganu family trip.Awesome.Each of my family members had loads of fun.We felt happy as a family.Same goes with my Cuzzie's family.Both of our family was the most 'kecorable.'We had loads of fun,crap,camwhoring & food!!Though the journey took half of our life,haha! we are happy that we get to enjoy watching all the latest Malaysian Movies like Anak Halal,Cinta U-turn etc.Out tour guide is cute! Well, i'm just attracted to his smile for awhile although he is like my dad's age! lol.But after the 2nd day,my infatuation for him just vanished ..lol!
The 2nd day of the trip was tiring.We went to many places which i'm not so fancy about.We went to visit the famous Batik-production place,Nur Arfah Batik.Then,we head to Pasar Payang,the places where the people like our Moms would love...! Sigh...We check-in to our Grand Continental Hotel at about 2pm.We showered,refreshed ourself and headed to Masjid Kristal for our next destination.I so love this place! It is simply gorgeous!My uncle did alot of fun shots here in courtesy of his Olympus SLR camera.We have loads of fun here! We even have ice-cream session!My uncle's treat! Yum yum..We had buffet dinner at Permai Inn's hotel.Fine dining restaurant.Good food.Sedap!Finally we head back to our hotel and Zzzz..
Woke up at 6am on the 3rd day,all ready by 7am for our buffet breakfast.The food was average.Then we are all ready for our Resort destination.Awana Kijal Beach & Spa resort.We headed for the Keropok Lekor stall.Yummy..sedap...syiok! Bought some Keropok Lekor and then off we go to Kijal.Once we reached the resort we are like so excited! Beautiful place.we feel so relaxed.Just by looking at the gorgeous scenery,i feel so calm and peaceful.Arrhh..i wish i could live here and not be back here in Singapore where life is so stressful! geez!We went swimming in the swimming pool,went sight seeing on the beautiful beach but was not allowed to swim as there is a red flag indicating it is not safe to swim coz' it is the South China sea and not well protected.We really had loads of fun here at the resort.Everyone was all smile and laughter...!We had buffet Dinner here before we went exploring on the resort.The 12 of us was so happy that night tho' we felt quite tired.At about 11pm,we went in to our rooms and my other cuzzies crashed into our room and watched lake placid 1 & 2 shown on star movies while we munch on our late night snacks! By about 1am.We all went flatt..Zzz..
On the final day,woke up at 6am and had our buffet breakfast.We are all ready for check-out at 10am.So sad to leave Awana.But kinda miss Singapore actually.Erm..missing someone so much too...i'm glad and thankful my family and i are back in Singapore safely.
Do look out for the pics.

With a Heavy Heart.

Tomorrow i will be off to Terengganu for awhile.I should be happy but i wasn't feeling that way.My heart is heavy to leave for a holiday even tho' i have been wanting to get out from here to de-stress.Is it becoz i got lots of things up my head..? I don't want to think too much...but when ur head is in a mess,you wont feel at ease right? Make sense right..?

Gonna be working later.Gonna be home tomorrow morning.Gonna leave for Terengganu at bout 9pm.I still havent get my stuffs ready.I just dump everything on the sofa and i think i will pack tomoro before i leave the house?? rushing? I don't care.

Pray for my family's safe journey to and fro ya.

Drag for work.

I'm dragging to go to work.If not becoz of my motivation to nurse my poor patients,I would just call for an E-leave.

Oh god....

P.S I miss you...

Departures.

I'm back from a movie trip with Zal.We saw 'Departures'.Unique storyline i must say.Very teary towards the end of the movie coz' it is so sad ok...I can't hold back my tears lor.. Zal saw me teared and laughed at me... hmm..he also wanna cry i know...he just acted cool...! lol.So peeps,go and watch it aite...! Thumbs up!

Well.....i really don't know what is wrong with me nowadays...I guess i'm just stressed out mentally,physically,financially and whatever-ly ...I hope i can de-stress during my Terengganu trip...

P.S I'm hurting inside but i don't mind if it's gonna take for as long as i live...

I wanna get out from here.

I have been so stressed out for the past few days.Feels like my skull almost burst.Work was super busy yesterday.I'm so pissed off with my superior.I wonder where her brain has gone to??? Can't you even assess how critical is the patient.You don't just any-oh-how assign people to nurse two heavy cases ! I find you very biased and you are not suitable to even be the superior! Idiot. Even though it is not me whom you are assigning the patients too,it is my colleague that you are being biased with.Poor thing my senior kakak.Luckily i was done with transfering my patient up and could help ease her workload abit.Some people are just brainless,heartless and whatever-less la! If you think you wanna be biased,get lost!

I hate working in this type of environment.seriously.I just can't wait for my bond to end.I'm so gonna get out from there.

I'm going to Terengganu on Thursday night but i simply can't find time to pack and prepare my stuffs...Oh geez! Work has taken a toil on me.Any kind soul can help me pack my stuffs???Think is about time I take my mind off Singapore.Terengganu,here we come.

P.S. I dind't know skinned knees are so painful..been tolerating with the pain for like several days already..But i still think skinned knees are easier to nurse than a broken heart. Get well soon to Dearest-Me....

The Fall.

I had a great fall.*sob sob* I was rushing to hail a cab to meet mom for our threading session...I suddenly tripped over something and fell on the road surface. Ouch...blood was oozing from the injurt site...my skin was tore by the super rough surface of the road... arrghh..wanted to cry but i was all alone..must be strong and act cool la...i got up...apologize to the taxi uncle that i have to rush home to change my pants.I called mom and told her i will be slightly late..I got changed,hailed a cab and headed to little India to meet mom..showed her my knees and she was shocked.She said it looks scary...hmm...maybe it's the blood that keeps oozing..i cleanse my wound with normal saline and pressed a few gauze over it to give a bit of pressure.What an unlucky day.And i have to start work tomoro...how irritating...!

Love for Money or Money for Love?

Alhamdulilah my sore throat and rashes have somewhat recovered.sigh~ after so long of being at home i will be back to resume work on wednesday night.Only several more days to my Terengganu trip...sigh~ i'm gonna be broke!spent a bomb on the trip itself..but i don't mind coz' i have always wish for a family trip.I just have to work a bit more harder the following months :(

In the midst of our economic crisis today,i randomly thought that money is very essential...it plays vital role...sometimes i wish i was born to a rich family or be married to a rich husband..but isn't it not as ineresting as my life now coz now i have to work my ass out to get money and try every way possible to save up here and there...? interesting huh? yup...and hell it was tough ok...So,if i already am a rich girl,i would only be at home,wasting my precious time doing manicure,pedicure and whatever i can cure rite..?? lol..boring huh..?

But money is undeniably important as it keeps us going...going and going and going for more...it motivates us to work..work harder..harder and hardest....See what money can make us do huh..?

However,i still have that conventional thinking that money can't buy Love...we can find money but we can never find Love with money...it will stick that way for as long as humans remains as humanly as they are supposed to be...personally, i think money can be worked out...really.I came from a very poor family background to the extend that my dad only has 1 ten cent coin and few 5 cents coins in his pockets when me and bros were like 8-9 year old..we squeezed our tummy for a day just to wait for Dad's payday...we learnt the hard way...but even so,we are so in Love and united as a family...we cry and laugh together...and to me that is the greatest value of life...LOVE

And it is always out of Love for someone that we do something.Especially if it is someone's GENUINE needs.

Love is the ultimate reason for everything i do.Even tho' i have the least of what is wanted most by someone that i love,i would give it all to the someone coz' its just about LOVE.

Just don't give Love a bad name.

Oh you can call me a passionate cum Lovey-Dovey girl~I don't care.

Not too well..

I'm not at a well state to continue on my exercise regime..sigh...I don't want to get Myocarditis if i continue with my regime..I think i need to have a break for now..will resume once i'm recovered..my throat is sore...my neck rash is bad..been bunning up my hair,applying moisturisers,taking Chlopheniramine tablets but still to no avail...Kak Midah asked me to go to the doc to get my Promethazine Jab...hmm..will think of it first..see if its getting any better by tonight...Haiz...

Tomorrow i will be accompanying my cousin sister to the court regarding my cousin bro in law's case...hope she is gonna be fine...and hope everything is gonna be fine.I'm actually thankful that people trusts me alot...even my cousin bro in law trust me alot...i'm only 22 yrs old and yet he says that i'm very matured in thinking and could guide my cousin sister who is like 30 years old??? hmm...i feel so old... whatever it is...i just think that if you do things with an open heart,people will trust and believe in you...Actually,i just sympathized with my niece and nephews..i hope the kids are doing fine...Qistina,Qusyairi,Qarin,Qaiser&Qadri,Auntie Yati will always pray for all of your well-being k...pls study hard and be a respectable person when you grow up.Insya Allah.Amin~

I will be resuming work on Wednesday.Woah..its been long..! I miss all my cute patients! I hope all of you are back home,well,healthy and happy...Sometimes i feel like i want to have a kid all for myself...i yearn for that feeling...can i adopt?? hehe...at least i wont feel lonely..i have baby crying,baby giggling,baby talking etc..all at the comfort of my own house...hmm..but my parents will not like the idea... they said that why must i adopt if i can have my own kids and build a family??? haiz...they don't know that Love is complicated and hurtful nowadays...adopting a kid is a bypass to all the problems of relationship...hehehe! I want to escape i think...yes,it is scary esp if you've been hurt so badly by ur past...but actually...to think of it...i'm thankful i have bad experiences in my past coz' it makes me a better person today...but the fear of getting hurt again is undeniably strong still...coz u know how painful it is. haha ok..i think i'm so random in my post here....this is the cause of being drowsy after i took my Chlopheniramine tablets..hehe..i better go before i blabber further.. Gd Day peeps...!

I cherish moments with you.

I have so many updates to post...Gosh..its only 2 or 3 days of break from blogging and i'm having so many updates lor.Ok ok...First & foremost...I finally went night fishing with Zan... :) so so fun and i'm all smiles. I truly enjoyed myself and learnt quite a number of stuffs on fishing from my fishing mentor himself,Zan. :) And i miss him so much...when i finally got to see him,I was like....arrgghh...I want to hug u so much!!!! But i hold back and don't want to give him the impression that i don understand him in wanting us to just be friends first... haiz..life is tough...Niways,not so lucky during first few hours of fishing but at about 12am..the fish keeps on hooking to Zan's bait...so exciting!!!! In total he caught 5 fish!! I caught nothing :( but Zan being as sweet as he always is,gives me 2 big fish to bring home!! sweet right? :) Bring home and showed mom.Mom was happy to see the big fish and asked me to thank Zan personally :) And did i tell you that Zan has good voice...he sang Seribu Tahun and i have it recorded.I watch the video whenever I feel like i miss him so much :( it's hard missing and loving a friend you know.... :( In summary,it was a wonderful night.Will upload the photos after i get permission from Zan ok.

And today,is Bestie's Bday.I just got home from the Bar and I couldn't sleep coz I miss him..so here i am blogging and listening to his voice :) Anyways,we had Seoul Garden for dinner and head down Clarke Quay to chill at the bar.Not into all this Bar thingy coz I don touch alcohol and the only thing i can drink is fruit punch and coke..coke?? I don't take fizzy drinks..and so i had fruit punch and i was really restless throughout coz' my neck got a bad rash.I head back home early.I hope bestie enjoyed herself.Happy Bday to you Bestie.I Love you always.I will upload photos soon.

Now...im washed and cleaned and on my bed with my lappy.I thought i wanna hear his voice before i sleep but poor thing he is already asleep.I put lotion on my neck and popped in 2 tablets of Chlopheniramine.I hope my rash is goona be better when i woke up later.Good Night everyone.It is now 4am 28 March 2009.

P.S. I Love you,I Miss you but I understand you.

Hungry but Wary.

Its already 3:45am.I went to bed at about 1:30am with the hope of falling asleep as soon as i put my head on the pillow.But it seems that i can't.I don't even know the reason why.I woke up and drink a glass of water.Switched on my room's TV and watch MIO TV.Not so interesting programmes on it.Switched off and here i am blogging. Oh geez...I have too much sleep in my Annual Leave i guess.But not true also coz' i always sleep late and wakes up early.What is on my mind really..???

yes..i miss him...but i could sleep the other night though i know i miss him...so what could be the reason why i can't sleep..??? oh yes finally...i'm hungry!!! lol...damn my tummy is growling..i only ate apple for dinner on the hope that i could kickstart my diet regime. And so I get up and ate Mee soto without the Mee just to make me feel better...only eat the soup and chicken lor.

Arrhh..now i feel good and nice..I can sleep peacefully...before i sleep....i'm gonna do 50 crunches just to make myself feel better....haha..i am paranoid...i know..but i don't care..i damn need to lose weight..! I miss being lighter as i was 2 years ago...i'm so not gonna binge again just becoz of a guy or a failed relationship.Enuf is enuf.I so Love myself ok.Working out to turn me into this picture:

A New Me.

In the midst of seeking inner peace within me,I realizes and learnt something about myself that i wish to improve on.My over-sensitive feelings and insecurities. I think that no one can ever tolerate for long if i myself never want to try to improve on it.I try to put myself in the other party 's shoes and realizes that it is freakin' irritating to have a partner like me.Haha..really.I realized.It is ok to be sensitive on selective issues but on some issues like Love,Love is just too strong for anything else esecially my sensitivity and insecurities.

I want to be a new,improved me.I want to be more rational and a positive thinker in overall.I will not let my past experience haunt my present and assume that everyone is the same.I want to learn more about people and analyze them at my own pace of thinking.I want to be confident of my own self and let go of my insecurities.I can still be sensitive but not overly-sensitive.And yes,when i am slowly improving myself with time,Insya Allah Love will come by naturally and with a bonus point that i'm a better person with time.Then only,Love can be a lifetime for me..Insya Allah.

P.S. I want to seek inner peace at a continuous rate :)

Inner peace.

I think i'm just messing up my own life...

Everyday,things just got messier...

I feel down most of the time and only happy for just a moment...

I don't want to think about Love....

I don't want to think about Love.....

I don't want to think about Love ever again....

My heart is damaged...

Damaged.....

I just wanna make myself better and improve myself with everyday that passes by.

Seeking peace within me..

Missing you.

I'm really missing him..Everytime I feel like talking to him either by MSN or SMS i take a step back coz' i'm well aware of where i stand..and afraid that i might be such an irritating pest to him...I think the best now is for me to just do my own things...if he really needs me or still Loves me he will for sure show some initiative....if he doesn't,I should just try my best to put the Love away...Don't want to be hurt further...or perhaps don't want to risk my heart and hurt it again and again...

Well,my annual leave is here...gonna be spending most of my time at home...I want to stay in the comfort of my nestling...

Recovering from Migraine and Flu.

Migraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Recovering From Flu and Migraine.

igraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Don't let it get me.

I really don't know what has happened to my internal emotions.
It feels weird.
One point I feel so happy and one point I feel so depressed.
And that is what happened between me and Zan (The guy i recently fall for).
We were very happy for first few days of the relationship but the insecurities in me had to spoil everything.
My insecurities which is also equals to my fear, made and triggers my thoughts to resort to negativity.
I hate being insecure.I really do.
That night my high school bestie nudge me in MSN and asked me if am ok.
She said she knows how it feels coz she had been tru' what i have been tru'.
She told me that it is just normal for me to feel insecure coz' of the failures in my past relationship but it should not have control over me.
I must have control over it.
Throughout the conversation she also told me about her past relationship and how it failed becoz' of her insecurities she used to have.
Now,she is more open and accepting of certain things and she admits that her present relationship is so much more happier and fun.
Guys are guys.They will surely have a lot of girl friends but at the end of the day,there is only this one special girl they truly Love.
IF...our partner can't reassure us...we should try reassuring ourself...it will really help.
And i know myself that i'm a person who needs constant reassurance.
I don't know now if Zan will Love me like before after what I have caused to the relationship,
I don't blame him if the Love fades away.I deserve that.
Even though I truly feel hurt that we are only friends now,
At the very least,I learnt something about myself.

Falling into you.

It has been crazy for the past week.

I went out for a few dates all at my own risk....!

Out of the 3....i can say that they all have different personality.

The first one is a for sure just looking for a fling..but i'm well treated though...

The second one is oh-so-goody-good boy...very handsome looking...very shy2...can sing karaoke really well...but there is no chemistry though...

And this 3rd one is erm.........*smiles* is so my type....

firstly...we have the same vision in life...

secondly...we both had a bad past experience and learning from it...

thirdly...we have the same interest...we both crazily love Fishing!!!

fourthly...we both have each other's dream quality.....

fifthly...we really have chemistry...strong chemistry...

Both of us just fall for each other even before we meet....and when we meet...its just so real...

Just hope it is all gonna be just right..

We gonna take it slow though..we both have had bad experience and dun want to go tru' it once again.....

Falling into you...fallen into you perhaps.....

And oh yes...I finally met Bestie and the rest of the Khakis for our buffet reunion...

It was hell fun...

lotsa food and so much stuffs to talk lor!!!!!!

I love you guys..!

Miss ya'll already....

And to Bestie,

Happy Honeymoon to Tioman with your Fabby Hubby hor.. ;)

Upate of my almost a week absence.

Wow...I've not blogged since almost a week!

I have been busy.

I went for a 2 days course at my workplace.

My manager sent me for ARC (Acute Resus. in Children) course.

I managed to pass and got myself a ARC trained card.

Alhamdulilah.

And yesterday,

I registered with BBDC for my Class 3 course.

I joined the school course coz' i think it has more pros than cons as compared to a private course.

Thenafter,I went for my first time Facial treatment with Kak Midah at hr fren's place.

I burnt 180 bucks for beauty.

I opted for the Vitamin C treatment.

It took me almost 3 hours for just beauty of my face...!

Sigh....And the outcome of it is this...

Worth it?

hmm i think got glow abit la..

But when i came back home my mom notices the diff.

She was like"Kenape berseri-seri and berkilat eh muke..?? "

LOL....

A starter for the day.

My night shift went on well last night.
Kak Midah and me went for breakfast at Tekka.
I had prata and she had a plate of rice.
Before going home,I decided to pack rice for my mom and bro at home.
When I reached home,mom was already up and reading newspaper with her coffee.
I told her that i bought her breakfast and with my tired face i walked in and put my bag in my room.
When I came out of my room,I was shocked to see my mom was weeping...
She was weeping and telling me that she knows I have so many problems in my head and that she doesnt want me to keep it to myself.
I acted cool and told her not to cry and that i'm ok.
She asked me about Mus and asked me if Mus have borrowed my $$ all this while...
I was shocked and my heart was pounding..I can't bear to lie to her...
I just nodded and tell the truth...
She then says..no wonder I see that ur always short of $$ even though your pay is good enough for urself..
She then told me that she also suspected that i'm using my savings.
I just told her off that I will handle everything and I don't want her or my dad to get worried.
I'm the one who chose to be with Mus last time and i think i deserve to handle it on my own account.
I shall be responsible for my own mistake.
I'm a person who learnt from my past.
It hurts to see how people can be so unappreciative of you.
At the end of the day,
it is the facts of life.
I have got to face it and be wiser next time.
I sometimes think that why do i keep bumping into the wrong guy?
But Insya Allah,I will meet with the right guy someday.

But it just hurts me so much to see my mom crying out so badly for me...
it hurts me so bad...
So,that was the start of my day today.

Emotionally Attached.

I just don't know why but i am easily attached to my patients especially if they are just so smart and very chatty.I love them.They can just put a big smile on my face whenever I am feeling down or tired.My patients get attached to me very easily too.Maybe becoz i just love to entertain them and try every way i can to just sit by their side and talk to them.I have always love kids and my mom and relatives knows about it very well.

I always dream of having kids of my own and i wonder how they will be...surely as lovely as all other kids are.


I understand why parents are usually very anxious and over-react when their child is admitted in ICU coz a child is oh-so-precious to their parents.To lose them is a painful and almost an undescribable agony that every parents have to face.Being a nurse and watching them going tru' it is also a painful feeling.We go tru' the painful journey together but at the end of the day,if the kid fails to hold on,we just have to let them go rather than making them suffer even more.


After losing my beloved patient Allahyarham Dzulkifly,,I realized that my emotions are really fragile and i realized that i'm easily attached to kids very easily...But i also have to know that I have to be strong too coz' i can't afford to be too sad if i lost them coz' I'm just their healthcare provider and that i have done what i have to do to the best of my ability.


But not denying the fact that i'm a human with feelings too..I love kids and its okay to cry and be sad when they are gone.Meanwhile,life is short and i have got to cherish every moment i have with all the patients that i truly love....


In Loving memory of my Beloved patient Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.
You are always in my prayers,sweetheart.



Currently,my oh-so-manje patient.My Lil' Justin.
He'll whine adorably if i go just few metres away.
We communicate in English and Mandarin ok coz' he is from China.
He understood me really well hor.That clearly shows my Mandarin not bad wat..!! hahaha!
Guess wat? He calls me Ba-by ok...aww...so cute! But now i taught him to call me Ya-ti Jie-jie.He is getting it.. :) smart guy.

My Second Fishing Trip.

Venue:Pasir Ris PayPond.

Time:9am to 7pm

People:Ahmad,Izzul,Kak Midah & Me.

FishCatchers:Ahmad,Izzul & Me

Fish Caught: Ahmad-Ikan Bawal Izzul-Ikan Terubuk Me-Nothing!

Trip Review:Awesome! I'm aiming for a fish the next trip!!!

Aside from that.......

I lost a very special patient of mine at 0200am 15/02/09.

Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.

Dzul,

You will always have a place in my heart and prayers.

May ur soul rest in peace.

I wish you could go earlier and not suffer so much.

Now that you're gone....

I feel so sad...I'm so emotionally attached to you..

You are the smart,adorable and easy-going kid that i will never forget.

I still remember ur beautiful-cheeky smile...

the way u like to tease and disturb me....

the way u say u miss me...

the way u are so manje the moment u see me around...

I just teared when i see ur pic in my phone...

It is just so hard to believe that you're gone now when i took care of you just few days before u went away...

But i felt good that the 2 days i took care of you,I did my best to ensure that ur at ur most comfortable state and to try fulfill all your wishes...

I'm glad I had caress ur forehead and told you that ''kakak yati sayang Dzul.."

*Al-fatihah..*

*Tearful*

My 2009 V day.

My V date with Bestie was cancelled.

She was not feeling well.

And so i just stayed at home.

Cuzzies called at 10pm and asked me to get ready coz they wanna date me out for a late midnight movie.

And we had a blast last night.

I had an awesome time.

Started our day at 12 midnite and ended at 8am.

We were really flatt in the cab home...!

My V day this year is great...!

:)

And ..I'm going fishing tomorrow! Yahoo!

Officially not with you.

I'm officially not with Mus anymore.
I have made up my mind for once and for all.
I have consult some of my close frens regarding the matter and all of them think my decision is the right one.
And I'm sure if my parents knows about the whole story,they will definitely not be happy seeing me with Mus.
Now,I need to get on with my life.

First and foremost:Lose weight!
Secondly: Save up more!!
Thirdly: Spend most time with my beloved family...
Fourth:Slowly work on my future plans...(I got few choices with this one...)

Praying for the best. :)

P.S. I will be out with bestie tomorrow's evening for our V day.... :) (well it is just coincident that we r both free tomorrow la actually....)

Drained Out.

I was out the whole day yesterday.
My day started as early as 430am.
Work started at 7am.
ICU was hell busy.
My patient almost got up from bed and walk!
Scary!
I never really hav time to sit down and write a proper report.
My leg was aching like mad.
Ended work and then went to Maz's wedding.
Luckily we got Izah to fetch us with her car or I'll just be hailing a taxi home...
Maz looked gorgeous with her songket baju kurung.
We ate and chit-chat for some time and then Kak Midah and Izah decided to head Changi airport as we are already so near...
And so we chill out @Poppyes till about 1230am.
And then Izzah sent us home one by one.
I was the last one to be sent home and I was only able to sleep at about 230am after i showered.
I was really really tired.

This happens in Singapore ok!

Slacking out @Poppyes Changi Airport.

Ahmad & me at the backseat of Izah's Car.

The lamp-post couple.

I slept tru' but still able to answer my ringing phone at 3 plus in the morning.
Bi called to wish me good nite.
And then I don't remember anything.
At 8am,Sham called.
To wish me good morning and i was really half awake.
Then i slept back n don't remember anything..
At 10am mom woke me up and ask me to get changed to go to my cousin brother's wedding.
I just couldnt open my eyes and told mom to go ahead and send my regards to him.
Plus I could actually escape from meeting people I dont really fancy on meeting. Hehe~
I only woke up at about 12noon...
Gosh my whole body was aching...
I feel that i need to go start jogging soon...
My body feels lethargic and weak.
I need to kick start my regime!

Breaking myself.

I took a sick leave from work today.
I can't get up of bed coz' my head was darn heavy.
As usual...migraine hits me.
I woke up in the morning at 9am and ordered MacD Hotcakes for my mom and bro coz' my mom was craving for it lately.
I woke up with a very puffy eyes.
I knew my mom will notice it plus she knows i'm supposed to be working day shift today.
I just told her that i need a rest today coz' of my migraine and that i need a peace of mind after I ended things with Mus last night.
She just kept quiet,looked at me for a moment and said...its ok...everything is gonna be alrite...things happened...if he is really meant for u...he'll come back to you...if he is not the one...pray for his happiness....
I just nod and was tearful....
Someone msg me in MSN too to ask if i am ok...think he could somehow feel it or he probly read my post.He said everything is gonna be fine too...
In this point of time...everything is easier said than done and especially for me to go tru' this heartbreak again and again.
I was quite calm for the rest of the day but not after i woke up from my rest.
I woke up feeling empty...very very empty...
it is like i'm yearning for my Bi...
and dying to know if he is doing ok there...
My heart feels like a roller coaster...all kind of feelings mixed up that it makes me wanna throw up...
And so i msged him jst to check if everything is ok and that he is doing fine coz' actually i'm not doing that fine....
he replied awhile later saying he is not ok and that his mom is in hospital..
I felt like my heart dropped...
I msged him back asking if there is anything i can help or anything that he needs...
He then replied "I will manage my own k...u've helped me enough.I love you always Bi,sorry for everything....."
and the only stupid thing i can do is just cry and cry and cry.....!!
It is just breaking my heart to let him go....and moreover to hear that he is not doing ok there....it felt terrible for me....it really does...

I'm so tired of crying..
I wanna eat my meds and sleep tru....
Good night.

Crushed.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm lost.
I want to end things but my tears just couldn't stop.
I Love him so much that it is hurting me to let him go.
And I'm also hurt if i never let go of him.
What is this?
I'm confused.....
I really am....
At this point of time i really need someone to talk to me.
But everyone is asleep soundly....
I feel so so breathless with this endless tears...
I already end things with him.
He didn't said much.
He seem to have so many things up in his head.
But he never wanna share it with me.
I don't know...
I feel so so empty.....

The last thing he said was ''can i call u if i need someone to talk to..?"
With my cracky voice...i just said yes....
It hurts ....it really hurts me....
I asked him "you don't love me anymore is it..?"
He said no..he just don't want to trouble me...

I don't know if i could work later...
My mind is messed up now....
my eyes are swollen...
my heart is aching...
I'm having chest pain...
My migraine is getting worse.....

If only he could open up himself more to me...
I will probably understand....
But what can I say...
It's over.
I'm just gonna slowy pick up the pieces and bring myself together...
And take each day as it goes...
It will definitely take time for me...
Slowly I will...Insya Allah...
May Allah give me the strength to overcome this obstacles...
Amin~.......

Too much.

It is just too much for me to swallow.

It is darn painful.

My mum had seen me cry over my Ex-Someone.

And now it is just so shitty she have to see me cry again coz of you,bi.

I hate it.

I really hate it.

Guys are guys!!!!!!!

Never make any more promises to me people,

Coz' i am just so done with it!

New Stuffs.

Psst.

I know how to fish already!

But still need to learn la...

Thanks to Izzul coz' he taught me how to...

Me,Ahmad & Izzul went for Fishing @ Sembawang Park yesterday.

I caught nothing,but I learnt how to connect the rail & hook to the rod etc.

I know how to throw the rod too!

No luck this time but i will surely hope I have luck in the near future.

I don't think I wanna go out with Izzul & Ahmad anymore coz some people are not happy with it.

I wanna go fishing the next time with my beloved cuzzin sister.

More peace.

And i meet up with Sham for supper.

Its been long since we last met.

Almost a year!

And he told me that I put on EXTREME weight!!!

Oh yes.. I know...

I will slowly but surely shed it off...

Thanks for taking the time to meet up with me and hear me out.

I really appreciate it.

I had a wonderful time with you. :)

And I already made up my mind.

I am not going to Lang Tengah Island with my colleagues(usual kakis).

Coz' I just want to go Terengganu with my family.

A family trip is what i have always wanted for so long.

Sorry colleagues,go ahead without me aite.

I'm so excited bout' this family trip i'm going.

Thanks mom,for agreeing to go.

Love you,mmmuaacckss!

So far yet so near.

"...COZ I’M ALWAYS AROUND YOU
AND I’LL MAKE YOU SEE
HOW BEAUTIFUL LIFE IS FOR YOU AND ME
TAKE A LITTLE TIME BABY
SEE THE BUTTERFLIES’ COLORS
LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
THAT WERE SENTTO SING FOR ME AND YOU
CAN YOU FEEL ME
THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE
EVEN IF THERE IS PAIN NOW
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
FOR AS LONG AS THE WORLD STILL TURNS
THERE WILL BE NIGHT AND DAY
CAN YOU HEAR ME
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN.."

My Lovey Mus made me cry....
He sent me a sms of the words above...
it was from a song which he introduce to me last time...
I love the song and he loves it too...
Its the meaning behind it that always motivates me to go on...
Everyday before or after work i will always hear this song...
coz it is indeed a special song...
Tk care of yourself for me...
I will be waiting for you to come back on 2nd Feb.
I miss you so so much...
I love you always and as much as i always do...

Marina Barrage.

Marina Barrage is awesome.

Spectacular view.

Perfect weather.

Great company of my beloved cuzzin sisters & Baby Aryan.

I had fun.

But I simply can't deny the fact that I miss Mus so much.

And he is always in my mind.

Now he is in Thailand.

Is it really i am expecting too much from him or am i really not being treated well...??

I really don't know....

I'm actually very sad that i only get to know that he will b going away several hours before his flight and that we are actually in the midst of an argument and giving each other cold treatment...

I'm really sad...

But it has happened.

I miss you so so much bi...

Especially when you are so far away from me...

At times i just feel like going far far away from everything......

I wanna curl up like a baby sleeping soundly and just don't want to think of anything.

It cuts right in.

I know Mus will surely get hurt reading my blog.
I meant who wouldn't get hurt if i say i'm not happy with him right...
I understand him....
But he will never know how it feels for me...

He says he has no choice.
Yes... i understand....
work is a necessity...
and i'm an impatient bugger to you...
I dont know how to be patient...
Blame it all on me....
Maybe it is just me...
i'm a stressor to your life...

I've cried so much last night.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I tot i wanna go somewhere peaceful today...

Tk care of yourself.
I think i heard u said last night ur going Thailand today....
I didn't know bout it until last night...
and that is why i think we dont have to meet up since you are in a rush...
safe journey to and fro Love....

I Love myself.

After i chatted with Someone, then i feel much more stronger now.
I feel even more sure that i'm making the right decision.
I got his opinion as a guy and as a fren who wants the best for their frens.
And i'm not making this decision becoz of anyone but myself.

I hope i could make this clear to Mus soon.
Of course to be fair,I will let him explain on his part since he wanted to meet up before i end things off with him...
And then,i will think it tru' for one last time and decide from there.
I am very sure of this.
I deserve to be happy.

Thanks someone, coz i really think u deserve my thank you.
Some frens don't really bothers to listen to me especially if they are already happy with their life just like how happy you are now :)
So,i thank you.

I can't be going tru' all these again!

I really can't close my eyes now.

And i'm aware that i'm working tomorrow and I have to wake up as early as 0430 hrs.

But I just can't.

I already made up my mind on friday night and told my decision to Mus.

And I even told him not to call me up anymore.

And for heaven sake i was really firm on it.

However,he insisted that we meet up this upcoming week and talk about the matter.

He said i think too much.

What???

How can i not think too much when he treated me like the way he did??

If you are in my position you'll probly know how awful the feeling is.

And just now,

he called to check on me and to tell me some ''great'' news!

His company is sending him to work in New Zealand..

OOhh great...

why do i always have partners who always have to leave me so far...??

why....

oh god...give me the sign for all these pls......

He said he don't know whether to go or not...

And he thought my voice sounded cracky in the phone...

of coz i am..I am holding back the water that is trying to flood over my eyes and down to my cheeks!!!

But if he has to go..he better go soon...

coz i'm like so used to it already...

the past has taught me and i'm surely gonna be ok...

For now,I'm just speechless and only waiting for the day we could meet up and talk about all the matters that has been going on between us.

Are all these signs telling me that i should go out of Singapore soon too..??