Mom's Birthday.

Photo taken at Vivocity in March 2007

Death of my Cellphone.

My phone has died!
Heart-wrenching!
I have only used it for like 3 months!
All due to the unzipped bag during the heavy rainfall...
I have to pay 300 over bucks to send for servicing!
I was like-What the hell...???
I might as well get a new decent phone at that kind of price.
But for now,i will just have to stick with my old Motorola phone coz i don want to burn a hole in my pocket.
I need to plan for the upcoming Hari Raya spendings.
Haiz...

And oh yes!
I'm on leave again!
a total of 3 days used!!
Arrrgghh!
Whatever la..
I'm just being practical here.
Since the grand total is like so pathetic..
I might as well stay at home and rest right?
No point going to work if there is not much which i can do or learn right..?
So i'm just gonna be a bookworm..a bigger bookworm with a bigger and thicker book??
*nerdy smile*

Ramadhan.

I want to take this opportunity to wish all the Muslims
Selamat Berpuasa (Happy Fasting)
Semoga kita semua mendapat nikmat,hikmah dan petunjuk di bulan yang mulia ini.
Sama-samalah kita menjalankan ibadah dengan hati yang ikhlas.

Apart from that,
It was a day well-spent.
I went to all the places i need to go.
The Bank,NTUC and Singpost.
My intention to read my novels and unwind at East Coast Park failed coz the weather ain't good. And so i did manage to grab a novel which is fairly thick in diameter!
It is basically a funny novel about a 34 yr old single woman.
Well,i have just got started.So far so good. Hopefully i could finish it. *grins*
And i did manage to spring clean my house plus I did the cooking just now...!phew!
It was a tiring day for me but worth it!! *nods head*
Back to work tomorrow and oh yes I'll be working till next week's Friday...
Man...this is torturing la..!
My schedule sucks la.
But it's ok la.
I work hard now before i can have quite a long leave for my Hari Raya! Yeah!
So now i'll just shuddup and work.

Errands to run.

Tomorrow is off day!
I have many errands to run for myself and mom.
I need to go to so many places all in a day.
Since i will be out the whole day alone,
I might as well end my day in any library to borrow some books.
And are you thinking what i am thinking??
Actually,i was thinking of going to somewhere peaceful like East Coast Park to read my books & unwind.
But it is a bit too far & the weather is uncertain..
Hmmm..i'll see how it goes tomorrow...

And oh yes,
to my 3 darlings Annabelle,Jasmine & Rachel
safe journey to and fro Vietnam yea...
I'll be missing you guys...
And if it is not because the date clashes with Ramadhan,I would probably be enjoying myself there with you guys!!
Well,it's ok, maybe some other time..
Do enjoy yourself there!
Bring back lots of photos to share with me ya!!
I'll be working my ass out in ICU for this whole week without you guys to crap around with..!*sob sob*
Tk care Darlings!

Dark Circles.

My dearest patient,

I will be praying for you.
I know you are not doing good there.
Please stay strong ok...?
However if it is really time for you to go,please go with all the peace and calmness...
All of your loved ones will always be having you in our prayers.
*praying for you*

Apart from that...
I'm getting worried with my dark circles.
It is really so obvious.
People could notice it with just a glance.
And some even could say that i look like a suffering kid!
Ouch! truth hurts!
All thanks to the endless tears and sleepless nights la...
I think i wanna go try home remedies like putting slices of cucumber,cold packs,tea bags...etc..
Who knows it might work eh??
Do drop me some tips if you have ya? I'll really appreciate and be grateful to you. *grin*

Oh yes..
gtg study for my IV test tomorrow.
wish me luck ya~!
Daa!

Conversation.

A conversation striked out between a me and the physiotherapist at work just now.

PT:How is this baby?
Me:Not too good. Had many episodes of desaturations la.
PT:Poor baby...
Me:(standing by the bedside and caress the baby's little fingers,while the PT did a chest physio on the baby.)
PT:Hey dear,I have been noticing that you are really quiet huh?
I know that ever since you worked here,you're a quiet person but you're extra quiet nowadays?Anything bothering you? You don't look happy too?
Me: Really meh?
PT: yeah.
Me:(smiles) Hey congratulations!Heard that you're pregnant eh..?
PT:Hey thanks.
Me:So happy for you.You and your hubby must be really excited for your first baby eh..?
PT: Yeah we are..but i'm a bit scared though.No experience mah..
Me:Normal lah...
PT: Hey do you have boyfriend?
Me:(Pause for a moment before i have the courage to say)...No,actually just broke off 2 months back.LDR la...thought we could face it initially but not as we thought la.
PT:Really?I had one LDR last time too.
Me:Really? Do u think LDR could work?
PT:Yes if both party promise to reunite once they are done with studies or working.Many of these kind ends up in marriages do you know that?
Me:Oh ok.
PT:Must have been hard on you huh?
Me:Still in my post break-up depression syndrome la...that is why i don't look human..i look like zombie rite? haha!
PT:haha!When is he finishing with school?
Me:This december.
PT: Ohh..not too long until i'm going to see the happy face of yours?
Me:He already with someone else.
PT:Ohh. Already?That's fast?
Me:I thought so but he says he had enough of hard times and very disappointed with my decision in ending it off.And anyway i end it via sms..that is really a mistake la.
PT:Oh i see.but what was the core reason u wanted to end it off?
Me:He said he was pressured having LDR while studying.I thought i was just putting myself in his shoes and wanted the best for him.I hopes alot that after he is done we could reunite.But to know that he changes his Love so fast was really a heartbreaking thing for me.
PT:that is really heartbreaking lor...he said he have had hard times then he thinks you're having good time is it?If only he knows how ''zombie-tic'' you are here!
Me:Hahaha! got such word meh?
PT:Nola...i created out of anger.
Me:Why are u angry?I'm suppose to be rite?
PT:But u dont seems to be in anger instead you're like in despair and hopelessness.
Me:Nola...just want to recover from all this misery la...
PT:Hey don't worry..look at me...i love my ex like crazy too when he is doing overseas study in Canada and i was in sadness when it all ended...But now god gave me my husband.Who loves me so so much.He is 10 times better...there is a blessing in disguise...it is a matter of time...he don't deserve you la i think...
Me:(forced a smile)....nah let it be la...as long as he is happy I'm fine i think...I just want to occupy myself with work and family la...
PT:Haiyah...u so patient la...! In life cannot be too kind leh!Later people bully u leh!
Me: Haiyah...y u so fierce...? later my baby desaturate again how...??
PT:choy!touchwood...!
Me:Hehe...eh the secretions still thick hor??
PT:Ya la...must do frequent suctioning especially from the naso and oro..
Me:Ya very true...
PT:Ok I'm done...
Me:Thanks for seeing this baby of mine...see you around..
PT:My pleasure..haha! Hey see you around with a smile ok...?
Me:haha! I will try..niway thanks for your concern ya...
PT:Come on...don't mention...we are healthcare professionals right?We are the caring people rite..??
Me:smile...you ah....full of jokes...
PT:or full of nonsense???
Me:Hey i didnt say hor...
Both:hahaha!
Me:kk...bye..
PT:K bye bye dear...

Controlling myself.

My tears keeps on pouring.
I know it never dries up since for so long but I thought it could slow down.
It's really pouring out now.
Pieces of my heart are breaking more and more.
I really wanna go to somewhere so so faraway and mend my heart.
I don't mind if I'm alone as long as I'm far far away.
That is what i really want now.
I get so embarassed nowadays coz I keep on tearing even when i'm out in the public.
It is really uncontrolable.
I want to stop thinking about it but it gets more and more difficult.
I even thought of asking for few days leave from work as I don't want it to affect my work.
But unfortunately I have not even done with my 3 months yet & not entitle to have my leave.
Life is really tough.
I thought this year would be a better,happier year for me..
But the happiness is only a while ..
sadness,misery,hurt & pain sets in,
in replacement of everything...

And if there is anyone reading my blog,I'm really sorry for having too many sad posts.
These are not for display or sympathy.
These are the content of my heart.
I write what I feel.
It's just that hard copies are difficult to be kept and that is why online diary is the best solution for now.
At least I have somewhere to pour my feelings out.

I just don't know how long more am i going to have sad posts.
I'll try not to post up too many of those sad stuff.
But I write what I feel rite?
So bear with me.

Possibly Long.

Dear god,

I have been suffering since 9th june 2007.
How long more am i going to be like this?
Tears is never ending.
It gets more and more.
I feel so so sad.
The good intention that i have turned into my biggest mistake.
I always think of others before myself.
But unfortunately, it gets on me.
If only he could read my heart,he'd probably know.
The suffering that i already have is getting more & more tougher.
am i that strong to face it?
This Love i have is really a great one and of coz a painful one too.
If only i know it's gonna be this painful,
I would have just kept my heart to myself.
This thing have been adversely affecting me for so long.
And still?
I am not able to get over and done with it.
I have been trying hard but to no avail.
Possibly a retribution to all my past mistakes.
This is only now,don't know how it would be after Life?

Losing a Loved one is really very traumatising.
Especially this particular 'Loved one'.

I'm for sure gonna learnt from this experience.
And I'm sure there is a blessing in disguise of everything that happened.

Oh god,I'm so so thankful I have you.

I have got to do it.

It's making me crazy.
As the hours tick,i'm getting weaker & weaker.
How do i convinced myself that everything is gonna be fine?
Why is everything happening one after another without letting me gain some strength before i'm ready for the next...?
Why?
Why do people's Love changes and not mine?
Why can't I just stop Loving him and move on..??
Why he can and I can't?
Why?
Why can't I accept the fact that his Love for me has already died?
Why?
Why can't i ??
Why am i still hoping while he don't?
Why?
Am I stupid or what???
Dont i understand english?
Didnt he says that he is already happy with someone already?
What am i doing here still?
Waiting for the sky to drop??
I dunno...
I feel so powerless,helpless,worthless and many many more 'less'
Is Love this hurting?
why didnt i feel like this for my past relationships??
this is really an agony.
Let's take each day by day.
Don't hope anymore.
Just do what i wanna do and be happy with what I have for now.
I' just want to live life for my family,friends and my patients.
How long more till i'm gonna be in Love again?
Oh man...only God could open up my numb,'ice-cold' heart.

A note to my dearest mum,
thanks so much for being there for me always.
I really appreciate it so much.
I've never been this sad and to have you close to me consoling me was the biggest thing that happened.
The tears that you cried with me that night will always be remembered.
I was so touched that you really didnt put the blame to any party instead you talk so rationally to me.
Insya allah...
as long as i live I want to make you happy always.
I love you so much, Mak.
*deeply touched*
*hugs tightly*

Let it out.

I'm really in misery.
Every day that comes makes me go weaker and weaker.
Been getting closer and closer to god.
Felt the calm and serenity.
However,most of the times I feel so low,uninspired,speechless.
Every single night before i sleep,I wish and pray that it would come true.
Wherever i go,whatever i do,whoever i'm with,
he keeps appearing in my mind and i feel him so close to my soul still.
Getting over break ups has never been this difficult for me.
I have never felt like this before.
Total misery.
Oh god,
if we are not meant to be together,
pls don't do this to me.
But if we are,
pls show me some light.
I'm in total darkness.
I feel so lost.
pls.

Lose it.

I'm getting worried with myself.
I have been gaining weight.
Look at how chubby I am now!
I hate stress & depression.
I'm so scared.
But I have got no drive to shed it off.
I need some motivation.
Maybe a cute physical instructor that comes for free??
Anyone?

Trying too hard.

It just makes me realise.
I'm like clapping on my own.
It takes two to clap.
But i see no effort from him.
I'm not expecting anything great from him.
Just to show me signs that there is still hope.
But to no avail.
I truly understand you need time,space and privacy to do your own things.
But am i asking too much to ask a simple "Hello" from you?Maybe i am.
It has only been me who initiate everything.
It is always me.
I have always been bothering you i guess.
Many a times i always put aside my pride just to show him how much Love i've got for him.
But the reaction i got was always quite disappointing.
Yes maybe a retribution to myself coz i initiated to end off.
But god knows that everything that i did was because of sacrifice for his own good.
It is really for his good i thought.
I have got no power if he misintepret my intention for something bad.
That was the first time i made a decision and that shall be the last time.
I have phobia in decision-making now.
I'm okay if people blame me for my hasty decision.
I regret on it and learnt from it.I've even apologized.
The rest,i have got to say that i'm powerless.
I've been praying and hoping that I could have his Love back once again.
It's just so hurting to see the situation i'm in.
I really feel very very awful.
Not good at all.
I shall not bother him anymore.
I dun want him to hate me.
Let me console my own heart.