Conversation.

A conversation striked out between a me and the physiotherapist at work just now.

PT:How is this baby?
Me:Not too good. Had many episodes of desaturations la.
PT:Poor baby...
Me:(standing by the bedside and caress the baby's little fingers,while the PT did a chest physio on the baby.)
PT:Hey dear,I have been noticing that you are really quiet huh?
I know that ever since you worked here,you're a quiet person but you're extra quiet nowadays?Anything bothering you? You don't look happy too?
Me: Really meh?
PT: yeah.
Me:(smiles) Hey congratulations!Heard that you're pregnant eh..?
PT:Hey thanks.
Me:So happy for you.You and your hubby must be really excited for your first baby eh..?
PT: Yeah we are..but i'm a bit scared though.No experience mah..
Me:Normal lah...
PT: Hey do you have boyfriend?
Me:(Pause for a moment before i have the courage to say)...No,actually just broke off 2 months back.LDR la...thought we could face it initially but not as we thought la.
PT:Really?I had one LDR last time too.
Me:Really? Do u think LDR could work?
PT:Yes if both party promise to reunite once they are done with studies or working.Many of these kind ends up in marriages do you know that?
Me:Oh ok.
PT:Must have been hard on you huh?
Me:Still in my post break-up depression syndrome la...that is why i don't look human..i look like zombie rite? haha!
PT:haha!When is he finishing with school?
Me:This december.
PT: Ohh..not too long until i'm going to see the happy face of yours?
Me:He already with someone else.
PT:Ohh. Already?That's fast?
Me:I thought so but he says he had enough of hard times and very disappointed with my decision in ending it off.And anyway i end it via sms..that is really a mistake la.
PT:Oh i see.but what was the core reason u wanted to end it off?
Me:He said he was pressured having LDR while studying.I thought i was just putting myself in his shoes and wanted the best for him.I hopes alot that after he is done we could reunite.But to know that he changes his Love so fast was really a heartbreaking thing for me.
PT:that is really heartbreaking lor...he said he have had hard times then he thinks you're having good time is it?If only he knows how ''zombie-tic'' you are here!
Me:Hahaha! got such word meh?
PT:Nola...i created out of anger.
Me:Why are u angry?I'm suppose to be rite?
PT:But u dont seems to be in anger instead you're like in despair and hopelessness.
Me:Nola...just want to recover from all this misery la...
PT:Hey don't worry..look at me...i love my ex like crazy too when he is doing overseas study in Canada and i was in sadness when it all ended...But now god gave me my husband.Who loves me so so much.He is 10 times better...there is a blessing in disguise...it is a matter of time...he don't deserve you la i think...
Me:(forced a smile)....nah let it be la...as long as he is happy I'm fine i think...I just want to occupy myself with work and family la...
PT:Haiyah...u so patient la...! In life cannot be too kind leh!Later people bully u leh!
Me: Haiyah...y u so fierce...? later my baby desaturate again how...??
PT:choy!touchwood...!
Me:Hehe...eh the secretions still thick hor??
PT:Ya la...must do frequent suctioning especially from the naso and oro..
Me:Ya very true...
PT:Ok I'm done...
Me:Thanks for seeing this baby of mine...see you around..
PT:My pleasure..haha! Hey see you around with a smile ok...?
Me:haha! I will try..niway thanks for your concern ya...
PT:Come on...don't mention...we are healthcare professionals right?We are the caring people rite..??
Me:smile...you ah....full of jokes...
PT:or full of nonsense???
Me:Hey i didnt say hor...
Both:hahaha!
Me:kk...bye..
PT:K bye bye dear...

Controlling myself.

My tears keeps on pouring.
I know it never dries up since for so long but I thought it could slow down.
It's really pouring out now.
Pieces of my heart are breaking more and more.
I really wanna go to somewhere so so faraway and mend my heart.
I don't mind if I'm alone as long as I'm far far away.
That is what i really want now.
I get so embarassed nowadays coz I keep on tearing even when i'm out in the public.
It is really uncontrolable.
I want to stop thinking about it but it gets more and more difficult.
I even thought of asking for few days leave from work as I don't want it to affect my work.
But unfortunately I have not even done with my 3 months yet & not entitle to have my leave.
Life is really tough.
I thought this year would be a better,happier year for me..
But the happiness is only a while ..
sadness,misery,hurt & pain sets in,
in replacement of everything...

And if there is anyone reading my blog,I'm really sorry for having too many sad posts.
These are not for display or sympathy.
These are the content of my heart.
I write what I feel.
It's just that hard copies are difficult to be kept and that is why online diary is the best solution for now.
At least I have somewhere to pour my feelings out.

I just don't know how long more am i going to have sad posts.
I'll try not to post up too many of those sad stuff.
But I write what I feel rite?
So bear with me.

Possibly Long.

Dear god,

I have been suffering since 9th june 2007.
How long more am i going to be like this?
Tears is never ending.
It gets more and more.
I feel so so sad.
The good intention that i have turned into my biggest mistake.
I always think of others before myself.
But unfortunately, it gets on me.
If only he could read my heart,he'd probably know.
The suffering that i already have is getting more & more tougher.
am i that strong to face it?
This Love i have is really a great one and of coz a painful one too.
If only i know it's gonna be this painful,
I would have just kept my heart to myself.
This thing have been adversely affecting me for so long.
And still?
I am not able to get over and done with it.
I have been trying hard but to no avail.
Possibly a retribution to all my past mistakes.
This is only now,don't know how it would be after Life?

Losing a Loved one is really very traumatising.
Especially this particular 'Loved one'.

I'm for sure gonna learnt from this experience.
And I'm sure there is a blessing in disguise of everything that happened.

Oh god,I'm so so thankful I have you.

I have got to do it.

It's making me crazy.
As the hours tick,i'm getting weaker & weaker.
How do i convinced myself that everything is gonna be fine?
Why is everything happening one after another without letting me gain some strength before i'm ready for the next...?
Why?
Why do people's Love changes and not mine?
Why can't I just stop Loving him and move on..??
Why he can and I can't?
Why?
Why can't I accept the fact that his Love for me has already died?
Why?
Why can't i ??
Why am i still hoping while he don't?
Why?
Am I stupid or what???
Dont i understand english?
Didnt he says that he is already happy with someone already?
What am i doing here still?
Waiting for the sky to drop??
I dunno...
I feel so powerless,helpless,worthless and many many more 'less'
Is Love this hurting?
why didnt i feel like this for my past relationships??
this is really an agony.
Let's take each day by day.
Don't hope anymore.
Just do what i wanna do and be happy with what I have for now.
I' just want to live life for my family,friends and my patients.
How long more till i'm gonna be in Love again?
Oh man...only God could open up my numb,'ice-cold' heart.

A note to my dearest mum,
thanks so much for being there for me always.
I really appreciate it so much.
I've never been this sad and to have you close to me consoling me was the biggest thing that happened.
The tears that you cried with me that night will always be remembered.
I was so touched that you really didnt put the blame to any party instead you talk so rationally to me.
Insya allah...
as long as i live I want to make you happy always.
I love you so much, Mak.
*deeply touched*
*hugs tightly*

Let it out.

I'm really in misery.
Every day that comes makes me go weaker and weaker.
Been getting closer and closer to god.
Felt the calm and serenity.
However,most of the times I feel so low,uninspired,speechless.
Every single night before i sleep,I wish and pray that it would come true.
Wherever i go,whatever i do,whoever i'm with,
he keeps appearing in my mind and i feel him so close to my soul still.
Getting over break ups has never been this difficult for me.
I have never felt like this before.
Total misery.
Oh god,
if we are not meant to be together,
pls don't do this to me.
But if we are,
pls show me some light.
I'm in total darkness.
I feel so lost.
pls.

A week's update.

A total of continuous 8 working days & here I am cherishing my precious 1 day off.
CICU has been the popular demand for the past week.
Shortage of staff is the major problem.
Could you imagine the workload?
Terrible.

Well, aside from that,
I felt really priviledged that i was able to transport in 2 cases in a day.
First time being in the Ambulance was pretty much an interesting experience.
Hopefully one day i am able to transport in cases internationally.
Wonder how it feels being in a private helicopter ehh?

Personal life wise,
still on the low scale.
too tired to elaborate.
Let's just say I'm ok.

Now i know why people say that illnesses could be cured but heartbreak is fatal.
Every single day i really feel weaker and weaker.
But my faith in god kept me going.
Alhamdulilah.

Lose it.

I'm getting worried with myself.
I have been gaining weight.
Look at how chubby I am now!
I hate stress & depression.
I'm so scared.
But I have got no drive to shed it off.
I need some motivation.
Maybe a cute physical instructor that comes for free??
Anyone?

NDP.

It was unplanned i tell you.
I got a sms from my cuzzies asking if i'm working.
I was like duh~ of coz i am.Haha!
But that was not the point.
Die die also must come with them and watch the firworks live!
And so i have to rush home,scrub all the bacteria clean and meet them!
And when we were at Marina,I was really shocked to see the crowd!
It was undescribable and you know i hate crowds..
It was a long stand before the beautiful sight appear.
The atmosphere was filled with patriotism from everyone!
And when the fireworks appear,I just stood there motionless without a sound.haha!
It was breath-taking.
Apart from that,
I was starving i tell you.
And so we had our supper far away from the city area to avoid crowd clashes.
It was indeed a must-have experience even though i'm like super tired and have to work today!!
It's okay,tomoro is my off day! I can sleep like a pig! *oink oink*
Ok then ,gotta work! Cheerios!

Trying too hard.

It just makes me realise.
I'm like clapping on my own.
It takes two to clap.
But i see no effort from him.
I'm not expecting anything great from him.
Just to show me signs that there is still hope.
But to no avail.
I truly understand you need time,space and privacy to do your own things.
But am i asking too much to ask a simple "Hello" from you?Maybe i am.
It has only been me who initiate everything.
It is always me.
I have always been bothering you i guess.
Many a times i always put aside my pride just to show him how much Love i've got for him.
But the reaction i got was always quite disappointing.
Yes maybe a retribution to myself coz i initiated to end off.
But god knows that everything that i did was because of sacrifice for his own good.
It is really for his good i thought.
I have got no power if he misintepret my intention for something bad.
That was the first time i made a decision and that shall be the last time.
I have phobia in decision-making now.
I'm okay if people blame me for my hasty decision.
I regret on it and learnt from it.I've even apologized.
The rest,i have got to say that i'm powerless.
I've been praying and hoping that I could have his Love back once again.
It's just so hurting to see the situation i'm in.
I really feel very very awful.
Not good at all.
I shall not bother him anymore.
I dun want him to hate me.
Let me console my own heart.

Nation's Birthday.

Since I still have to work on National Day,
I might as well wish my country in advance.
Here it goes...
Wishing Singapore a Happy 42nd Birthday.
May you be as prosperous as u always be.
May the Unity,Harmony and Equality remains.
May many more successes n happiness be coming in your way.
I Love you,Singapore.

Colleagueship gathering.

On the 02/08/07 Thursday.
Gathering with the malay colleagues @ Ambrosia.
It was a pleasant gathering.
I had a nice Ice Blended Mango Juice!
And the Gado-Gado @ the Kampong Glam Cafe was delicious!
Though i don't smoke & sheesha together with you guys, it was a fun gathering I must say.
Looking forward to more of such gathering with you guys.

And yes,
I was a bit distracted while you all were busy chatting.
Not because the topic wasn't interesting,
because the place brings memories.
Kept thinking of someone.

Signs of stress.

First & foremost,
Happy Nurse's Day to all nurses.
May we all be a compassionate,caring and competent nurses to all our patients always.

Will be having my rest day tomorrow.
Work is going on quite well.
But still I'm not happy with my nursing management .
I need to brush up on alot of things.
I kinda miss school life.
I really miss it.
Work is not bad,you earned $$.
But the 'smile' u generated per day is much lesser compared to school life.
If you get what i meant.

I have been having consecutive nightmares for the past 2 days.
Keeps waking up with rapid heart beat,cramps over my neck & of course i kept crying after having the dream .
It is just a dream but i really pray & hope it wouldn't happen.

Apart from that,
I have been dead worried about my hair loss.
Mom was dead worried about it too.
It is getting thinner as time goes by.
It is even more scary when i use the comb to comb my hair.
The whole comb will be entangled with a whole patch of hair.
I admit that it's been long since i last trimmed or cut my hair.
And so i decided to go to the salon and get my hair trimmed.
Mom asked me to go get it trimmed more frequently as she says it will help to get rid of the old hair and pormotes new hair growth faster.
Hopefully it will happen.

I have a feeling that i may be suffering from stress cum depression but wasn't aware of that.
I have been eating a lot too.
I must stop this poor eating habit asap.
I need to train myself for the President's Challenge Run on 26th August.
I need to inject some motivation to lift up my smile a bit so as to get myself going.