So far yet so near.

"...COZ I’M ALWAYS AROUND YOU
AND I’LL MAKE YOU SEE
HOW BEAUTIFUL LIFE IS FOR YOU AND ME
TAKE A LITTLE TIME BABY
SEE THE BUTTERFLIES’ COLORS
LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
THAT WERE SENTTO SING FOR ME AND YOU
CAN YOU FEEL ME
THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE
EVEN IF THERE IS PAIN NOW
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
FOR AS LONG AS THE WORLD STILL TURNS
THERE WILL BE NIGHT AND DAY
CAN YOU HEAR ME
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN.."

My Lovey Mus made me cry....
He sent me a sms of the words above...
it was from a song which he introduce to me last time...
I love the song and he loves it too...
Its the meaning behind it that always motivates me to go on...
Everyday before or after work i will always hear this song...
coz it is indeed a special song...
Tk care of yourself for me...
I will be waiting for you to come back on 2nd Feb.
I miss you so so much...
I love you always and as much as i always do...

Marina Barrage.

Marina Barrage is awesome.

Spectacular view.

Perfect weather.

Great company of my beloved cuzzin sisters & Baby Aryan.

I had fun.

But I simply can't deny the fact that I miss Mus so much.

And he is always in my mind.

Now he is in Thailand.

Is it really i am expecting too much from him or am i really not being treated well...??

I really don't know....

I'm actually very sad that i only get to know that he will b going away several hours before his flight and that we are actually in the midst of an argument and giving each other cold treatment...

I'm really sad...

But it has happened.

I miss you so so much bi...

Especially when you are so far away from me...

At times i just feel like going far far away from everything......

I wanna curl up like a baby sleeping soundly and just don't want to think of anything.

It cuts right in.

I know Mus will surely get hurt reading my blog.
I meant who wouldn't get hurt if i say i'm not happy with him right...
I understand him....
But he will never know how it feels for me...

He says he has no choice.
Yes... i understand....
work is a necessity...
and i'm an impatient bugger to you...
I dont know how to be patient...
Blame it all on me....
Maybe it is just me...
i'm a stressor to your life...

I've cried so much last night.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I tot i wanna go somewhere peaceful today...

Tk care of yourself.
I think i heard u said last night ur going Thailand today....
I didn't know bout it until last night...
and that is why i think we dont have to meet up since you are in a rush...
safe journey to and fro Love....

I Love myself.

After i chatted with Someone, then i feel much more stronger now.
I feel even more sure that i'm making the right decision.
I got his opinion as a guy and as a fren who wants the best for their frens.
And i'm not making this decision becoz of anyone but myself.

I hope i could make this clear to Mus soon.
Of course to be fair,I will let him explain on his part since he wanted to meet up before i end things off with him...
And then,i will think it tru' for one last time and decide from there.
I am very sure of this.
I deserve to be happy.

Thanks someone, coz i really think u deserve my thank you.
Some frens don't really bothers to listen to me especially if they are already happy with their life just like how happy you are now :)
So,i thank you.

I can't be going tru' all these again!

I really can't close my eyes now.

And i'm aware that i'm working tomorrow and I have to wake up as early as 0430 hrs.

But I just can't.

I already made up my mind on friday night and told my decision to Mus.

And I even told him not to call me up anymore.

And for heaven sake i was really firm on it.

However,he insisted that we meet up this upcoming week and talk about the matter.

He said i think too much.

What???

How can i not think too much when he treated me like the way he did??

If you are in my position you'll probly know how awful the feeling is.

And just now,

he called to check on me and to tell me some ''great'' news!

His company is sending him to work in New Zealand..

OOhh great...

why do i always have partners who always have to leave me so far...??

why....

oh god...give me the sign for all these pls......

He said he don't know whether to go or not...

And he thought my voice sounded cracky in the phone...

of coz i am..I am holding back the water that is trying to flood over my eyes and down to my cheeks!!!

But if he has to go..he better go soon...

coz i'm like so used to it already...

the past has taught me and i'm surely gonna be ok...

For now,I'm just speechless and only waiting for the day we could meet up and talk about all the matters that has been going on between us.

Are all these signs telling me that i should go out of Singapore soon too..??

Farewell Dinner.

Yesterday me and few of my colleagues had our farewell dinner for Shi Lin.

She is leaving to be back to her home country,China.

Well,she told me probably she will slack for few months then go to US or UK to work.

She got all my support!

Who would want to be stuck in this pathetic work area???

I can't wait to be out too!!

Well,all the best for your future endeavours Shi Lin.

Gonna miss you for sure.

We hope the farewell dinner could make as a memorable event for you when you're there in China... :)

P.S : Have i told you that after finish watching my 34 episodic drama of The Little Nyonya,I am now enjoying my Grey's Anatomy.I'm loving it.You see,this is one of the reason i always have to keep on skipping my jogging regime coz i'm stuck to the TV!! Ok after the grey's Anatomy ok..??Gotta drag this heavy butt of mine to work it out man!

oh geez...i'm resuming work tomoro! Damn it.

Back to where i started.

Left with only 2 days of my leave.
Resuming work on Monday.

Though my holiday this time round is spent just here in Singapore.
I'm glad and thankful i spent it well.

Many things has happened between me and Mus.
Well maybe just on my part coz' he always seems cool.
What is a problem to me is always nothing to him.
I really don't want to think about him anymore...
He just won't appreciate...
I've even written him a very long email since he always have to work and no time for us to meet.
In that email,i've told him abit bout my past and how i really feel now and that i want him to reply to me whenever he can to explain himself to me...
But he is being ignorant...
One day he will know how it feels to be me...

And on that account i have to admit that no Man has ever treated and Love me as well as Someone did.
I'm not comparing and i'm not expecting highly of a man but just basic actions that could tell me how sincere you really are.Actually,if you really are a sincere man like Someone is,you don't have to do much,just be yourself and your sincerity and love will get itself to me.

I will never be able to live my life with a person like Mus.
I will not be happy.
Unless he change.
But i don't expect him to change.
Its been almost a year and still i see no progress...
I will just slowly bring myself away from him...

Arrgghhh...
Not again......

I'm not gonna let myself drown in tears and be weak.
I wanna be a strong person like Yue-niang(The Little Nyonya).
Maybe i should open up a business selling Bird Nest...? LOL

This silent night.

Its already 2:07am...
All i could think about Someone...
He just appeared in my mind all of a sudden when i hear this song i am playing in my blog now...
I wonder what he is doing right now...
probably talking with his other half on the phone...
I'm kinda missing him actually...
Just miss how he used to be one so very special person in my life...

But
its all the old good memories...
Well...wishing him happiness always with his Loved ones.

I think i'm missing him becoz' my Lovey Mus has been busy..so busy actually

that i didn't even have the chance to tell him how lonely i am...

I dunno why..

I feel tired with always having to be the one showing my care and concern to him...

now he only calls me once a day or once every 2 days just to tell that he is home and tired...

i tried to be the most understanding person i could be but sometimes it is not worth it...

I dont even know if he even appreciates it.

for now i am just holding on for how long more i myself don't know...

i have suggested many times for us to go separate ways but he don't want and wants to change for the better....

i stayed on thinking that we could work it out slowly with patience and determination...

but it has been like so many times already....

Bi, do you even know how awful i feel?

And u should know how sincere i am towards you...

I pray everyday that you would change for the better and treat me the way i'm deserved to be treated.

I Love you like i always do and like i always told you...

I used to be the happiest girl in a relationship when i was with Someone but not now with Mus...

But not all happy relationship have a happy ending and not all unhappy relationship ends in an unhappy ending....

But on the part of the unhappiness you sometimes makes me the happiest,Bi...

thank you for that....

If we are not fated to be together,i will always remember u as a sweet,romantic,humorous,lean,muscular,fair,tall,mysterious special someone in my life.

Good nite and sleep tight baby.

Me-Time.

My Annual leave starts today.
No plans to travel though.
Need to save up for rainy days.
Gonna spent my leave mostly at home cleaning,cooking,decorating etc.

I feel ''sufocated" by everyone around me nowadays.
They come to you when they have problem and gone with the wind when they're having good times!!
It is probably about time i think more about myself first rather then putting others before me.
Poor me.
More ME-time please.

Welcome 2009.

My new year's eve started as early as 630am.
I went to settle some problems with my cuzzie before i got home at abot 12 noon
Rested for awhile and then at about 8pm,met up with Wani for our sorta "private party."

Bestie didn't turn up last minute.Fine.

I was actually not in the mood.

My plan to meet up with Nurisham also was cancelled coz i don't want to pull a long face when i meet up with him.

Sorry awak.

And so Wani and me headed to Breeks to hav our dinner before we met up with Fairuz and company for our mini party at Clarke quay.

We sat down by the river in a circular manner and played UNO cards.

While some of them gulped down alcoholic,i just do my own stuffs coz i dun really know some of them.

Luckily,Wani and I decided to walk around and then we hit the Bungy Bar.

It was really cool.Wani had her Bikini Martini while i had my Orange Juice as usual. LOL.

We dance for a bit coz the songs was really good got us grooving to the beats.

We headed back to our spot and join the company again for some chit chats,jokes and more card games before we call it a day.

Welcome 2009.

Hopefully a better year for us all.

Insya allah.

Amin.