Departures.

I'm back from a movie trip with Zal.We saw 'Departures'.Unique storyline i must say.Very teary towards the end of the movie coz' it is so sad ok...I can't hold back my tears lor.. Zal saw me teared and laughed at me... hmm..he also wanna cry i know...he just acted cool...! lol.So peeps,go and watch it aite...! Thumbs up!

Well.....i really don't know what is wrong with me nowadays...I guess i'm just stressed out mentally,physically,financially and whatever-ly ...I hope i can de-stress during my Terengganu trip...

P.S I'm hurting inside but i don't mind if it's gonna take for as long as i live...

I wanna get out from here.

I have been so stressed out for the past few days.Feels like my skull almost burst.Work was super busy yesterday.I'm so pissed off with my superior.I wonder where her brain has gone to??? Can't you even assess how critical is the patient.You don't just any-oh-how assign people to nurse two heavy cases ! I find you very biased and you are not suitable to even be the superior! Idiot. Even though it is not me whom you are assigning the patients too,it is my colleague that you are being biased with.Poor thing my senior kakak.Luckily i was done with transfering my patient up and could help ease her workload abit.Some people are just brainless,heartless and whatever-less la! If you think you wanna be biased,get lost!

I hate working in this type of environment.seriously.I just can't wait for my bond to end.I'm so gonna get out from there.

I'm going to Terengganu on Thursday night but i simply can't find time to pack and prepare my stuffs...Oh geez! Work has taken a toil on me.Any kind soul can help me pack my stuffs???Think is about time I take my mind off Singapore.Terengganu,here we come.

P.S. I dind't know skinned knees are so painful..been tolerating with the pain for like several days already..But i still think skinned knees are easier to nurse than a broken heart. Get well soon to Dearest-Me....

The Fall.

I had a great fall.*sob sob* I was rushing to hail a cab to meet mom for our threading session...I suddenly tripped over something and fell on the road surface. Ouch...blood was oozing from the injurt site...my skin was tore by the super rough surface of the road... arrghh..wanted to cry but i was all alone..must be strong and act cool la...i got up...apologize to the taxi uncle that i have to rush home to change my pants.I called mom and told her i will be slightly late..I got changed,hailed a cab and headed to little India to meet mom..showed her my knees and she was shocked.She said it looks scary...hmm...maybe it's the blood that keeps oozing..i cleanse my wound with normal saline and pressed a few gauze over it to give a bit of pressure.What an unlucky day.And i have to start work tomoro...how irritating...!

Love for Money or Money for Love?

Alhamdulilah my sore throat and rashes have somewhat recovered.sigh~ after so long of being at home i will be back to resume work on wednesday night.Only several more days to my Terengganu trip...sigh~ i'm gonna be broke!spent a bomb on the trip itself..but i don't mind coz' i have always wish for a family trip.I just have to work a bit more harder the following months :(

In the midst of our economic crisis today,i randomly thought that money is very essential...it plays vital role...sometimes i wish i was born to a rich family or be married to a rich husband..but isn't it not as ineresting as my life now coz now i have to work my ass out to get money and try every way possible to save up here and there...? interesting huh? yup...and hell it was tough ok...So,if i already am a rich girl,i would only be at home,wasting my precious time doing manicure,pedicure and whatever i can cure rite..?? lol..boring huh..?

But money is undeniably important as it keeps us going...going and going and going for more...it motivates us to work..work harder..harder and hardest....See what money can make us do huh..?

However,i still have that conventional thinking that money can't buy Love...we can find money but we can never find Love with money...it will stick that way for as long as humans remains as humanly as they are supposed to be...personally, i think money can be worked out...really.I came from a very poor family background to the extend that my dad only has 1 ten cent coin and few 5 cents coins in his pockets when me and bros were like 8-9 year old..we squeezed our tummy for a day just to wait for Dad's payday...we learnt the hard way...but even so,we are so in Love and united as a family...we cry and laugh together...and to me that is the greatest value of life...LOVE

And it is always out of Love for someone that we do something.Especially if it is someone's GENUINE needs.

Love is the ultimate reason for everything i do.Even tho' i have the least of what is wanted most by someone that i love,i would give it all to the someone coz' its just about LOVE.

Just don't give Love a bad name.

Oh you can call me a passionate cum Lovey-Dovey girl~I don't care.

Not too well..

I'm not at a well state to continue on my exercise regime..sigh...I don't want to get Myocarditis if i continue with my regime..I think i need to have a break for now..will resume once i'm recovered..my throat is sore...my neck rash is bad..been bunning up my hair,applying moisturisers,taking Chlopheniramine tablets but still to no avail...Kak Midah asked me to go to the doc to get my Promethazine Jab...hmm..will think of it first..see if its getting any better by tonight...Haiz...

Tomorrow i will be accompanying my cousin sister to the court regarding my cousin bro in law's case...hope she is gonna be fine...and hope everything is gonna be fine.I'm actually thankful that people trusts me alot...even my cousin bro in law trust me alot...i'm only 22 yrs old and yet he says that i'm very matured in thinking and could guide my cousin sister who is like 30 years old??? hmm...i feel so old... whatever it is...i just think that if you do things with an open heart,people will trust and believe in you...Actually,i just sympathized with my niece and nephews..i hope the kids are doing fine...Qistina,Qusyairi,Qarin,Qaiser&Qadri,Auntie Yati will always pray for all of your well-being k...pls study hard and be a respectable person when you grow up.Insya Allah.Amin~

I will be resuming work on Wednesday.Woah..its been long..! I miss all my cute patients! I hope all of you are back home,well,healthy and happy...Sometimes i feel like i want to have a kid all for myself...i yearn for that feeling...can i adopt?? hehe...at least i wont feel lonely..i have baby crying,baby giggling,baby talking etc..all at the comfort of my own house...hmm..but my parents will not like the idea... they said that why must i adopt if i can have my own kids and build a family??? haiz...they don't know that Love is complicated and hurtful nowadays...adopting a kid is a bypass to all the problems of relationship...hehehe! I want to escape i think...yes,it is scary esp if you've been hurt so badly by ur past...but actually...to think of it...i'm thankful i have bad experiences in my past coz' it makes me a better person today...but the fear of getting hurt again is undeniably strong still...coz u know how painful it is. haha ok..i think i'm so random in my post here....this is the cause of being drowsy after i took my Chlopheniramine tablets..hehe..i better go before i blabber further.. Gd Day peeps...!

I cherish moments with you.

I have so many updates to post...Gosh..its only 2 or 3 days of break from blogging and i'm having so many updates lor.Ok ok...First & foremost...I finally went night fishing with Zan... :) so so fun and i'm all smiles. I truly enjoyed myself and learnt quite a number of stuffs on fishing from my fishing mentor himself,Zan. :) And i miss him so much...when i finally got to see him,I was like....arrgghh...I want to hug u so much!!!! But i hold back and don't want to give him the impression that i don understand him in wanting us to just be friends first... haiz..life is tough...Niways,not so lucky during first few hours of fishing but at about 12am..the fish keeps on hooking to Zan's bait...so exciting!!!! In total he caught 5 fish!! I caught nothing :( but Zan being as sweet as he always is,gives me 2 big fish to bring home!! sweet right? :) Bring home and showed mom.Mom was happy to see the big fish and asked me to thank Zan personally :) And did i tell you that Zan has good voice...he sang Seribu Tahun and i have it recorded.I watch the video whenever I feel like i miss him so much :( it's hard missing and loving a friend you know.... :( In summary,it was a wonderful night.Will upload the photos after i get permission from Zan ok.

And today,is Bestie's Bday.I just got home from the Bar and I couldn't sleep coz I miss him..so here i am blogging and listening to his voice :) Anyways,we had Seoul Garden for dinner and head down Clarke Quay to chill at the bar.Not into all this Bar thingy coz I don touch alcohol and the only thing i can drink is fruit punch and coke..coke?? I don't take fizzy drinks..and so i had fruit punch and i was really restless throughout coz' my neck got a bad rash.I head back home early.I hope bestie enjoyed herself.Happy Bday to you Bestie.I Love you always.I will upload photos soon.

Now...im washed and cleaned and on my bed with my lappy.I thought i wanna hear his voice before i sleep but poor thing he is already asleep.I put lotion on my neck and popped in 2 tablets of Chlopheniramine.I hope my rash is goona be better when i woke up later.Good Night everyone.It is now 4am 28 March 2009.

P.S. I Love you,I Miss you but I understand you.

Hungry but Wary.

Its already 3:45am.I went to bed at about 1:30am with the hope of falling asleep as soon as i put my head on the pillow.But it seems that i can't.I don't even know the reason why.I woke up and drink a glass of water.Switched on my room's TV and watch MIO TV.Not so interesting programmes on it.Switched off and here i am blogging. Oh geez...I have too much sleep in my Annual Leave i guess.But not true also coz' i always sleep late and wakes up early.What is on my mind really..???

yes..i miss him...but i could sleep the other night though i know i miss him...so what could be the reason why i can't sleep..??? oh yes finally...i'm hungry!!! lol...damn my tummy is growling..i only ate apple for dinner on the hope that i could kickstart my diet regime. And so I get up and ate Mee soto without the Mee just to make me feel better...only eat the soup and chicken lor.

Arrhh..now i feel good and nice..I can sleep peacefully...before i sleep....i'm gonna do 50 crunches just to make myself feel better....haha..i am paranoid...i know..but i don't care..i damn need to lose weight..! I miss being lighter as i was 2 years ago...i'm so not gonna binge again just becoz of a guy or a failed relationship.Enuf is enuf.I so Love myself ok.Working out to turn me into this picture:

A New Me.

In the midst of seeking inner peace within me,I realizes and learnt something about myself that i wish to improve on.My over-sensitive feelings and insecurities. I think that no one can ever tolerate for long if i myself never want to try to improve on it.I try to put myself in the other party 's shoes and realizes that it is freakin' irritating to have a partner like me.Haha..really.I realized.It is ok to be sensitive on selective issues but on some issues like Love,Love is just too strong for anything else esecially my sensitivity and insecurities.

I want to be a new,improved me.I want to be more rational and a positive thinker in overall.I will not let my past experience haunt my present and assume that everyone is the same.I want to learn more about people and analyze them at my own pace of thinking.I want to be confident of my own self and let go of my insecurities.I can still be sensitive but not overly-sensitive.And yes,when i am slowly improving myself with time,Insya Allah Love will come by naturally and with a bonus point that i'm a better person with time.Then only,Love can be a lifetime for me..Insya Allah.

P.S. I want to seek inner peace at a continuous rate :)

Inner peace.

I think i'm just messing up my own life...

Everyday,things just got messier...

I feel down most of the time and only happy for just a moment...

I don't want to think about Love....

I don't want to think about Love.....

I don't want to think about Love ever again....

My heart is damaged...

Damaged.....

I just wanna make myself better and improve myself with everyday that passes by.

Seeking peace within me..

Missing you.

I'm really missing him..Everytime I feel like talking to him either by MSN or SMS i take a step back coz' i'm well aware of where i stand..and afraid that i might be such an irritating pest to him...I think the best now is for me to just do my own things...if he really needs me or still Loves me he will for sure show some initiative....if he doesn't,I should just try my best to put the Love away...Don't want to be hurt further...or perhaps don't want to risk my heart and hurt it again and again...

Well,my annual leave is here...gonna be spending most of my time at home...I want to stay in the comfort of my nestling...

Recovering from Migraine and Flu.

Migraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Recovering From Flu and Migraine.

igraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Don't let it get me.

I really don't know what has happened to my internal emotions.
It feels weird.
One point I feel so happy and one point I feel so depressed.
And that is what happened between me and Zan (The guy i recently fall for).
We were very happy for first few days of the relationship but the insecurities in me had to spoil everything.
My insecurities which is also equals to my fear, made and triggers my thoughts to resort to negativity.
I hate being insecure.I really do.
That night my high school bestie nudge me in MSN and asked me if am ok.
She said she knows how it feels coz she had been tru' what i have been tru'.
She told me that it is just normal for me to feel insecure coz' of the failures in my past relationship but it should not have control over me.
I must have control over it.
Throughout the conversation she also told me about her past relationship and how it failed becoz' of her insecurities she used to have.
Now,she is more open and accepting of certain things and she admits that her present relationship is so much more happier and fun.
Guys are guys.They will surely have a lot of girl friends but at the end of the day,there is only this one special girl they truly Love.
IF...our partner can't reassure us...we should try reassuring ourself...it will really help.
And i know myself that i'm a person who needs constant reassurance.
I don't know now if Zan will Love me like before after what I have caused to the relationship,
I don't blame him if the Love fades away.I deserve that.
Even though I truly feel hurt that we are only friends now,
At the very least,I learnt something about myself.

Falling into you.

It has been crazy for the past week.

I went out for a few dates all at my own risk....!

Out of the 3....i can say that they all have different personality.

The first one is a for sure just looking for a fling..but i'm well treated though...

The second one is oh-so-goody-good boy...very handsome looking...very shy2...can sing karaoke really well...but there is no chemistry though...

And this 3rd one is erm.........*smiles* is so my type....

firstly...we have the same vision in life...

secondly...we both had a bad past experience and learning from it...

thirdly...we have the same interest...we both crazily love Fishing!!!

fourthly...we both have each other's dream quality.....

fifthly...we really have chemistry...strong chemistry...

Both of us just fall for each other even before we meet....and when we meet...its just so real...

Just hope it is all gonna be just right..

We gonna take it slow though..we both have had bad experience and dun want to go tru' it once again.....

Falling into you...fallen into you perhaps.....

And oh yes...I finally met Bestie and the rest of the Khakis for our buffet reunion...

It was hell fun...

lotsa food and so much stuffs to talk lor!!!!!!

I love you guys..!

Miss ya'll already....

And to Bestie,

Happy Honeymoon to Tioman with your Fabby Hubby hor.. ;)

Upate of my almost a week absence.

Wow...I've not blogged since almost a week!

I have been busy.

I went for a 2 days course at my workplace.

My manager sent me for ARC (Acute Resus. in Children) course.

I managed to pass and got myself a ARC trained card.

Alhamdulilah.

And yesterday,

I registered with BBDC for my Class 3 course.

I joined the school course coz' i think it has more pros than cons as compared to a private course.

Thenafter,I went for my first time Facial treatment with Kak Midah at hr fren's place.

I burnt 180 bucks for beauty.

I opted for the Vitamin C treatment.

It took me almost 3 hours for just beauty of my face...!

Sigh....And the outcome of it is this...

Worth it?

hmm i think got glow abit la..

But when i came back home my mom notices the diff.

She was like"Kenape berseri-seri and berkilat eh muke..?? "

LOL....

A starter for the day.

My night shift went on well last night.
Kak Midah and me went for breakfast at Tekka.
I had prata and she had a plate of rice.
Before going home,I decided to pack rice for my mom and bro at home.
When I reached home,mom was already up and reading newspaper with her coffee.
I told her that i bought her breakfast and with my tired face i walked in and put my bag in my room.
When I came out of my room,I was shocked to see my mom was weeping...
She was weeping and telling me that she knows I have so many problems in my head and that she doesnt want me to keep it to myself.
I acted cool and told her not to cry and that i'm ok.
She asked me about Mus and asked me if Mus have borrowed my $$ all this while...
I was shocked and my heart was pounding..I can't bear to lie to her...
I just nodded and tell the truth...
She then says..no wonder I see that ur always short of $$ even though your pay is good enough for urself..
She then told me that she also suspected that i'm using my savings.
I just told her off that I will handle everything and I don't want her or my dad to get worried.
I'm the one who chose to be with Mus last time and i think i deserve to handle it on my own account.
I shall be responsible for my own mistake.
I'm a person who learnt from my past.
It hurts to see how people can be so unappreciative of you.
At the end of the day,
it is the facts of life.
I have got to face it and be wiser next time.
I sometimes think that why do i keep bumping into the wrong guy?
But Insya Allah,I will meet with the right guy someday.

But it just hurts me so much to see my mom crying out so badly for me...
it hurts me so bad...
So,that was the start of my day today.

Emotionally Attached.

I just don't know why but i am easily attached to my patients especially if they are just so smart and very chatty.I love them.They can just put a big smile on my face whenever I am feeling down or tired.My patients get attached to me very easily too.Maybe becoz i just love to entertain them and try every way i can to just sit by their side and talk to them.I have always love kids and my mom and relatives knows about it very well.

I always dream of having kids of my own and i wonder how they will be...surely as lovely as all other kids are.


I understand why parents are usually very anxious and over-react when their child is admitted in ICU coz a child is oh-so-precious to their parents.To lose them is a painful and almost an undescribable agony that every parents have to face.Being a nurse and watching them going tru' it is also a painful feeling.We go tru' the painful journey together but at the end of the day,if the kid fails to hold on,we just have to let them go rather than making them suffer even more.


After losing my beloved patient Allahyarham Dzulkifly,,I realized that my emotions are really fragile and i realized that i'm easily attached to kids very easily...But i also have to know that I have to be strong too coz' i can't afford to be too sad if i lost them coz' I'm just their healthcare provider and that i have done what i have to do to the best of my ability.


But not denying the fact that i'm a human with feelings too..I love kids and its okay to cry and be sad when they are gone.Meanwhile,life is short and i have got to cherish every moment i have with all the patients that i truly love....


In Loving memory of my Beloved patient Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.
You are always in my prayers,sweetheart.



Currently,my oh-so-manje patient.My Lil' Justin.
He'll whine adorably if i go just few metres away.
We communicate in English and Mandarin ok coz' he is from China.
He understood me really well hor.That clearly shows my Mandarin not bad wat..!! hahaha!
Guess wat? He calls me Ba-by ok...aww...so cute! But now i taught him to call me Ya-ti Jie-jie.He is getting it.. :) smart guy.

My Second Fishing Trip.

Venue:Pasir Ris PayPond.

Time:9am to 7pm

People:Ahmad,Izzul,Kak Midah & Me.

FishCatchers:Ahmad,Izzul & Me

Fish Caught: Ahmad-Ikan Bawal Izzul-Ikan Terubuk Me-Nothing!

Trip Review:Awesome! I'm aiming for a fish the next trip!!!

Aside from that.......

I lost a very special patient of mine at 0200am 15/02/09.

Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.

Dzul,

You will always have a place in my heart and prayers.

May ur soul rest in peace.

I wish you could go earlier and not suffer so much.

Now that you're gone....

I feel so sad...I'm so emotionally attached to you..

You are the smart,adorable and easy-going kid that i will never forget.

I still remember ur beautiful-cheeky smile...

the way u like to tease and disturb me....

the way u say u miss me...

the way u are so manje the moment u see me around...

I just teared when i see ur pic in my phone...

It is just so hard to believe that you're gone now when i took care of you just few days before u went away...

But i felt good that the 2 days i took care of you,I did my best to ensure that ur at ur most comfortable state and to try fulfill all your wishes...

I'm glad I had caress ur forehead and told you that ''kakak yati sayang Dzul.."

*Al-fatihah..*

*Tearful*

My 2009 V day.

My V date with Bestie was cancelled.

She was not feeling well.

And so i just stayed at home.

Cuzzies called at 10pm and asked me to get ready coz they wanna date me out for a late midnight movie.

And we had a blast last night.

I had an awesome time.

Started our day at 12 midnite and ended at 8am.

We were really flatt in the cab home...!

My V day this year is great...!

:)

And ..I'm going fishing tomorrow! Yahoo!

Officially not with you.

I'm officially not with Mus anymore.
I have made up my mind for once and for all.
I have consult some of my close frens regarding the matter and all of them think my decision is the right one.
And I'm sure if my parents knows about the whole story,they will definitely not be happy seeing me with Mus.
Now,I need to get on with my life.

First and foremost:Lose weight!
Secondly: Save up more!!
Thirdly: Spend most time with my beloved family...
Fourth:Slowly work on my future plans...(I got few choices with this one...)

Praying for the best. :)

P.S. I will be out with bestie tomorrow's evening for our V day.... :) (well it is just coincident that we r both free tomorrow la actually....)

Drained Out.

I was out the whole day yesterday.
My day started as early as 430am.
Work started at 7am.
ICU was hell busy.
My patient almost got up from bed and walk!
Scary!
I never really hav time to sit down and write a proper report.
My leg was aching like mad.
Ended work and then went to Maz's wedding.
Luckily we got Izah to fetch us with her car or I'll just be hailing a taxi home...
Maz looked gorgeous with her songket baju kurung.
We ate and chit-chat for some time and then Kak Midah and Izah decided to head Changi airport as we are already so near...
And so we chill out @Poppyes till about 1230am.
And then Izzah sent us home one by one.
I was the last one to be sent home and I was only able to sleep at about 230am after i showered.
I was really really tired.

This happens in Singapore ok!

Slacking out @Poppyes Changi Airport.

Ahmad & me at the backseat of Izah's Car.

The lamp-post couple.

I slept tru' but still able to answer my ringing phone at 3 plus in the morning.
Bi called to wish me good nite.
And then I don't remember anything.
At 8am,Sham called.
To wish me good morning and i was really half awake.
Then i slept back n don't remember anything..
At 10am mom woke me up and ask me to get changed to go to my cousin brother's wedding.
I just couldnt open my eyes and told mom to go ahead and send my regards to him.
Plus I could actually escape from meeting people I dont really fancy on meeting. Hehe~
I only woke up at about 12noon...
Gosh my whole body was aching...
I feel that i need to go start jogging soon...
My body feels lethargic and weak.
I need to kick start my regime!

Breaking myself.

I took a sick leave from work today.
I can't get up of bed coz' my head was darn heavy.
As usual...migraine hits me.
I woke up in the morning at 9am and ordered MacD Hotcakes for my mom and bro coz' my mom was craving for it lately.
I woke up with a very puffy eyes.
I knew my mom will notice it plus she knows i'm supposed to be working day shift today.
I just told her that i need a rest today coz' of my migraine and that i need a peace of mind after I ended things with Mus last night.
She just kept quiet,looked at me for a moment and said...its ok...everything is gonna be alrite...things happened...if he is really meant for u...he'll come back to you...if he is not the one...pray for his happiness....
I just nod and was tearful....
Someone msg me in MSN too to ask if i am ok...think he could somehow feel it or he probly read my post.He said everything is gonna be fine too...
In this point of time...everything is easier said than done and especially for me to go tru' this heartbreak again and again.
I was quite calm for the rest of the day but not after i woke up from my rest.
I woke up feeling empty...very very empty...
it is like i'm yearning for my Bi...
and dying to know if he is doing ok there...
My heart feels like a roller coaster...all kind of feelings mixed up that it makes me wanna throw up...
And so i msged him jst to check if everything is ok and that he is doing fine coz' actually i'm not doing that fine....
he replied awhile later saying he is not ok and that his mom is in hospital..
I felt like my heart dropped...
I msged him back asking if there is anything i can help or anything that he needs...
He then replied "I will manage my own k...u've helped me enough.I love you always Bi,sorry for everything....."
and the only stupid thing i can do is just cry and cry and cry.....!!
It is just breaking my heart to let him go....and moreover to hear that he is not doing ok there....it felt terrible for me....it really does...

I'm so tired of crying..
I wanna eat my meds and sleep tru....
Good night.

Crushed.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm lost.
I want to end things but my tears just couldn't stop.
I Love him so much that it is hurting me to let him go.
And I'm also hurt if i never let go of him.
What is this?
I'm confused.....
I really am....
At this point of time i really need someone to talk to me.
But everyone is asleep soundly....
I feel so so breathless with this endless tears...
I already end things with him.
He didn't said much.
He seem to have so many things up in his head.
But he never wanna share it with me.
I don't know...
I feel so so empty.....

The last thing he said was ''can i call u if i need someone to talk to..?"
With my cracky voice...i just said yes....
It hurts ....it really hurts me....
I asked him "you don't love me anymore is it..?"
He said no..he just don't want to trouble me...

I don't know if i could work later...
My mind is messed up now....
my eyes are swollen...
my heart is aching...
I'm having chest pain...
My migraine is getting worse.....

If only he could open up himself more to me...
I will probably understand....
But what can I say...
It's over.
I'm just gonna slowy pick up the pieces and bring myself together...
And take each day as it goes...
It will definitely take time for me...
Slowly I will...Insya Allah...
May Allah give me the strength to overcome this obstacles...
Amin~.......

Too much.

It is just too much for me to swallow.

It is darn painful.

My mum had seen me cry over my Ex-Someone.

And now it is just so shitty she have to see me cry again coz of you,bi.

I hate it.

I really hate it.

Guys are guys!!!!!!!

Never make any more promises to me people,

Coz' i am just so done with it!

New Stuffs.

Psst.

I know how to fish already!

But still need to learn la...

Thanks to Izzul coz' he taught me how to...

Me,Ahmad & Izzul went for Fishing @ Sembawang Park yesterday.

I caught nothing,but I learnt how to connect the rail & hook to the rod etc.

I know how to throw the rod too!

No luck this time but i will surely hope I have luck in the near future.

I don't think I wanna go out with Izzul & Ahmad anymore coz some people are not happy with it.

I wanna go fishing the next time with my beloved cuzzin sister.

More peace.

And i meet up with Sham for supper.

Its been long since we last met.

Almost a year!

And he told me that I put on EXTREME weight!!!

Oh yes.. I know...

I will slowly but surely shed it off...

Thanks for taking the time to meet up with me and hear me out.

I really appreciate it.

I had a wonderful time with you. :)

And I already made up my mind.

I am not going to Lang Tengah Island with my colleagues(usual kakis).

Coz' I just want to go Terengganu with my family.

A family trip is what i have always wanted for so long.

Sorry colleagues,go ahead without me aite.

I'm so excited bout' this family trip i'm going.

Thanks mom,for agreeing to go.

Love you,mmmuaacckss!

So far yet so near.

"...COZ I’M ALWAYS AROUND YOU
AND I’LL MAKE YOU SEE
HOW BEAUTIFUL LIFE IS FOR YOU AND ME
TAKE A LITTLE TIME BABY
SEE THE BUTTERFLIES’ COLORS
LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
THAT WERE SENTTO SING FOR ME AND YOU
CAN YOU FEEL ME
THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE
EVEN IF THERE IS PAIN NOW
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
FOR AS LONG AS THE WORLD STILL TURNS
THERE WILL BE NIGHT AND DAY
CAN YOU HEAR ME
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN.."

My Lovey Mus made me cry....
He sent me a sms of the words above...
it was from a song which he introduce to me last time...
I love the song and he loves it too...
Its the meaning behind it that always motivates me to go on...
Everyday before or after work i will always hear this song...
coz it is indeed a special song...
Tk care of yourself for me...
I will be waiting for you to come back on 2nd Feb.
I miss you so so much...
I love you always and as much as i always do...

Marina Barrage.

Marina Barrage is awesome.

Spectacular view.

Perfect weather.

Great company of my beloved cuzzin sisters & Baby Aryan.

I had fun.

But I simply can't deny the fact that I miss Mus so much.

And he is always in my mind.

Now he is in Thailand.

Is it really i am expecting too much from him or am i really not being treated well...??

I really don't know....

I'm actually very sad that i only get to know that he will b going away several hours before his flight and that we are actually in the midst of an argument and giving each other cold treatment...

I'm really sad...

But it has happened.

I miss you so so much bi...

Especially when you are so far away from me...

At times i just feel like going far far away from everything......

I wanna curl up like a baby sleeping soundly and just don't want to think of anything.

It cuts right in.

I know Mus will surely get hurt reading my blog.
I meant who wouldn't get hurt if i say i'm not happy with him right...
I understand him....
But he will never know how it feels for me...

He says he has no choice.
Yes... i understand....
work is a necessity...
and i'm an impatient bugger to you...
I dont know how to be patient...
Blame it all on me....
Maybe it is just me...
i'm a stressor to your life...

I've cried so much last night.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I tot i wanna go somewhere peaceful today...

Tk care of yourself.
I think i heard u said last night ur going Thailand today....
I didn't know bout it until last night...
and that is why i think we dont have to meet up since you are in a rush...
safe journey to and fro Love....

I Love myself.

After i chatted with Someone, then i feel much more stronger now.
I feel even more sure that i'm making the right decision.
I got his opinion as a guy and as a fren who wants the best for their frens.
And i'm not making this decision becoz of anyone but myself.

I hope i could make this clear to Mus soon.
Of course to be fair,I will let him explain on his part since he wanted to meet up before i end things off with him...
And then,i will think it tru' for one last time and decide from there.
I am very sure of this.
I deserve to be happy.

Thanks someone, coz i really think u deserve my thank you.
Some frens don't really bothers to listen to me especially if they are already happy with their life just like how happy you are now :)
So,i thank you.

I can't be going tru' all these again!

I really can't close my eyes now.

And i'm aware that i'm working tomorrow and I have to wake up as early as 0430 hrs.

But I just can't.

I already made up my mind on friday night and told my decision to Mus.

And I even told him not to call me up anymore.

And for heaven sake i was really firm on it.

However,he insisted that we meet up this upcoming week and talk about the matter.

He said i think too much.

What???

How can i not think too much when he treated me like the way he did??

If you are in my position you'll probly know how awful the feeling is.

And just now,

he called to check on me and to tell me some ''great'' news!

His company is sending him to work in New Zealand..

OOhh great...

why do i always have partners who always have to leave me so far...??

why....

oh god...give me the sign for all these pls......

He said he don't know whether to go or not...

And he thought my voice sounded cracky in the phone...

of coz i am..I am holding back the water that is trying to flood over my eyes and down to my cheeks!!!

But if he has to go..he better go soon...

coz i'm like so used to it already...

the past has taught me and i'm surely gonna be ok...

For now,I'm just speechless and only waiting for the day we could meet up and talk about all the matters that has been going on between us.

Are all these signs telling me that i should go out of Singapore soon too..??

Farewell Dinner.

Yesterday me and few of my colleagues had our farewell dinner for Shi Lin.

She is leaving to be back to her home country,China.

Well,she told me probably she will slack for few months then go to US or UK to work.

She got all my support!

Who would want to be stuck in this pathetic work area???

I can't wait to be out too!!

Well,all the best for your future endeavours Shi Lin.

Gonna miss you for sure.

We hope the farewell dinner could make as a memorable event for you when you're there in China... :)

P.S : Have i told you that after finish watching my 34 episodic drama of The Little Nyonya,I am now enjoying my Grey's Anatomy.I'm loving it.You see,this is one of the reason i always have to keep on skipping my jogging regime coz i'm stuck to the TV!! Ok after the grey's Anatomy ok..??Gotta drag this heavy butt of mine to work it out man!

oh geez...i'm resuming work tomoro! Damn it.

Back to where i started.

Left with only 2 days of my leave.
Resuming work on Monday.

Though my holiday this time round is spent just here in Singapore.
I'm glad and thankful i spent it well.

Many things has happened between me and Mus.
Well maybe just on my part coz' he always seems cool.
What is a problem to me is always nothing to him.
I really don't want to think about him anymore...
He just won't appreciate...
I've even written him a very long email since he always have to work and no time for us to meet.
In that email,i've told him abit bout my past and how i really feel now and that i want him to reply to me whenever he can to explain himself to me...
But he is being ignorant...
One day he will know how it feels to be me...

And on that account i have to admit that no Man has ever treated and Love me as well as Someone did.
I'm not comparing and i'm not expecting highly of a man but just basic actions that could tell me how sincere you really are.Actually,if you really are a sincere man like Someone is,you don't have to do much,just be yourself and your sincerity and love will get itself to me.

I will never be able to live my life with a person like Mus.
I will not be happy.
Unless he change.
But i don't expect him to change.
Its been almost a year and still i see no progress...
I will just slowly bring myself away from him...

Arrgghhh...
Not again......

I'm not gonna let myself drown in tears and be weak.
I wanna be a strong person like Yue-niang(The Little Nyonya).
Maybe i should open up a business selling Bird Nest...? LOL

This silent night.

Its already 2:07am...
All i could think about Someone...
He just appeared in my mind all of a sudden when i hear this song i am playing in my blog now...
I wonder what he is doing right now...
probably talking with his other half on the phone...
I'm kinda missing him actually...
Just miss how he used to be one so very special person in my life...

But
its all the old good memories...
Well...wishing him happiness always with his Loved ones.

I think i'm missing him becoz' my Lovey Mus has been busy..so busy actually

that i didn't even have the chance to tell him how lonely i am...

I dunno why..

I feel tired with always having to be the one showing my care and concern to him...

now he only calls me once a day or once every 2 days just to tell that he is home and tired...

i tried to be the most understanding person i could be but sometimes it is not worth it...

I dont even know if he even appreciates it.

for now i am just holding on for how long more i myself don't know...

i have suggested many times for us to go separate ways but he don't want and wants to change for the better....

i stayed on thinking that we could work it out slowly with patience and determination...

but it has been like so many times already....

Bi, do you even know how awful i feel?

And u should know how sincere i am towards you...

I pray everyday that you would change for the better and treat me the way i'm deserved to be treated.

I Love you like i always do and like i always told you...

I used to be the happiest girl in a relationship when i was with Someone but not now with Mus...

But not all happy relationship have a happy ending and not all unhappy relationship ends in an unhappy ending....

But on the part of the unhappiness you sometimes makes me the happiest,Bi...

thank you for that....

If we are not fated to be together,i will always remember u as a sweet,romantic,humorous,lean,muscular,fair,tall,mysterious special someone in my life.

Good nite and sleep tight baby.

Me-Time.

My Annual leave starts today.
No plans to travel though.
Need to save up for rainy days.
Gonna spent my leave mostly at home cleaning,cooking,decorating etc.

I feel ''sufocated" by everyone around me nowadays.
They come to you when they have problem and gone with the wind when they're having good times!!
It is probably about time i think more about myself first rather then putting others before me.
Poor me.
More ME-time please.

Welcome 2009.

My new year's eve started as early as 630am.
I went to settle some problems with my cuzzie before i got home at abot 12 noon
Rested for awhile and then at about 8pm,met up with Wani for our sorta "private party."

Bestie didn't turn up last minute.Fine.

I was actually not in the mood.

My plan to meet up with Nurisham also was cancelled coz i don't want to pull a long face when i meet up with him.

Sorry awak.

And so Wani and me headed to Breeks to hav our dinner before we met up with Fairuz and company for our mini party at Clarke quay.

We sat down by the river in a circular manner and played UNO cards.

While some of them gulped down alcoholic,i just do my own stuffs coz i dun really know some of them.

Luckily,Wani and I decided to walk around and then we hit the Bungy Bar.

It was really cool.Wani had her Bikini Martini while i had my Orange Juice as usual. LOL.

We dance for a bit coz the songs was really good got us grooving to the beats.

We headed back to our spot and join the company again for some chit chats,jokes and more card games before we call it a day.

Welcome 2009.

Hopefully a better year for us all.

Insya allah.

Amin.

My Cheat Day.

Today is my cheat day.

Cheat day as in i get to eat my favorit food and indulge in sinful deserts.

Tomoro i shall be back with my diet.

Met up with bestie for threading and then head up to PS for our Manhattan Fish!

It was our first time.

But we still prefer Fish & Co.

But i really Love their Manhattan Mudpie.

Shioookk...

Tomorrow i will be running some errands for my cousins in the morning.

In the evening,I will probably wait up for Wani's updates on any plans for New Year's party.

Probably just hit somewhere to chill out.

If not,I'll probly stay at home.

Welcome 2009!

A toast to a better year everyone!

Cheers!

New Year.New Hope.

Happy Belated X'mas to all.
I was working for the past 3 days and i'm working for another 2 more days before i have a 4 straight days off during the New Year.
And guess wat?
I just came back from my annual leave right?
Believe it or not i'm going on leave again from the 9 january!
But for sure i'm not going anywhere this time.
I want to save money ley...
Going bankrupt liao.
I will think of a way i could beneficially spend my upcoming annual leave la.

My new year resolution is:
1)Save $$$
2)Lose weight (Although i always gain it back!)
3)Eat healthily
4)Be Less emotional and more practical. :)
5)Start planning for my future as in my career path.
6)Resume back my Class 3 license(Probably)
7)Take more pulic transport rather than Taxis.
8)Be more religious.
9)Aim for lesser mistakes at work.
10)Still wanna have fun!

That is my list of stuff right now.
The list could be extended if needed hor. ;)

Back from Malacca.

Been and back from my 3 days 2 nights Malacca trip

with Kak Midah and her daughter,Amira.

I must say the hotel we stayed in is great.

Very comfortable,moderately luxurious and good service.

We went to a lot of places.The Eye on Malaysia (Melaka),

The Christ Church,Jonker's Street,River Cruise,Mahkota Parade etc.

In overall I must say that this is really a place

rich in its Heritage and Culture.I do not want to come back home coz'

I hate the idea of going back to work on

Wednesday after i had a long 12 days leave!

Off to Malacca.

Will be going away for a short trip to Malacca from 19th to 21st of this month.
Will be back for updates yea...
Hopefully i'll enjoy my time with Kak Midah and her daughter,Amira.
We gonna have All-Girls-Trip this time...
Girls just wanna have fun! :)

Oh yes,i want to start my exercise regime once i'm back from this trip.

It has to go.

Obesity not only kills our health but our self-esteem too.


I want to lose weight...
I'm putting on more weight each day...
It is really getting out of control...
I better start my Exercise regime before i burst like the balloon!!
And i really want to kick the habit of over-eating when i'm depressed...
That habit has to go man!
If not because of that habit,i would have reached my ideal weight now...hmmph!
And guys is always the reason i got into depression!~
Must put a STOP to that...
Come on Yati!
You can do it!
Way to go!

Where do i belong?

Maybe i should walk it all alone back again....

My Lovey Mus is not at all lovely anymore..
He makes me fall for him and then he takes everything for granted...
He never worries about anything...
He is 24 hours busy with work...i supposed he is...
We never ever go out in the day...!
Its always meeting up for a short while in the late night...
I have tried to understand his work but he never ever think of how i feel...
Not fair...
His actions just made me doubt him...
Sacrifices made for him are just meaningless to him i guess...
He never wants to share his problems..
Reason he gave was that he doesnt want to bother me with his problems...
Imagine knowing each other for almost a year yet i feel like i'm no one to him..
See how strange that is right..?
Many times i 've tried to end things with him but he insists that he loves me and needs me in his life..
But why can't you change for the better..???
I don't get you...really...
I wonder if i should give you anymore chances...
Guys guys guys......!!
Doesn't mean the number of women in this world is higher than that of men,you people can take our Love for granted you know!!

Miss World 2008.

Miss Kseniya Sukhinova-Russia
(Crowned as Miss World 2008)

Miss Ana Gabriella-Mexico
(My personal favorit!)

I was online in the evening just now and was browsing thru' the Miss world official site.
I studied the contestants and thought that my favorit is Miss Mexico.
She is darn gorgeous!
And so at about 1230am,
I went to watch the Miss world live on channel 5 and thought my Miss Mexico is in the top 5.
Sadly No....
I dunno why....
But my favorit among the 5 is Miss Russia of course!
But i was glad though that Miss South Africa didn't win as i find her a bit too over-confident.The judges made the right choice for choosing Miss Russia.She is very sweet and elegant.
And i could sense that she is genuine.
I so like her blue evening dress! So flowy....
But i still think my Miss Mexico is gorgeous!

Anyone can help me collect?

I don't know how now.
I'm going JB for seafood with my colleagues on the 12th.
But,i just received the letter for collection of my passport today..
On Monday is Public Holiday.
I worked morning shifts for the next 3 consecutive days..!
How to collect????
Arrgh..!

And,
the weather now is super nice...
Heavy rain,dark clouds and no thunder..!
A great way to snuggle in bed!
Hahaa!
Actually,I was thinking about what Lovey has told me the other night.
He wanted to go Bintan with me near end of this month.
But he always say but never do!
And so i dont want to think about it.
I will be going Malacca with Kak Mid & her daughter anyway!! :)
I'm going to be a bankrupt soon!!
*sobs*

Get away from my Migraine.

I had fun today.
I was on MC yesterday due to my Migraine.
Stayed at home and rest for the whole day and met up with Mus at night after his work.
Went to meet my Kak Mid today to get our bus ticket to Malacca on the 19th of this month.
Going for a short trip.
Then we head down to Royal plaza on scotts for our high tea and then off to karaoke...
Had an enjoable evening..
Thanks kak Mid.

Summary of my absence from Blogger.

• Been and back from Bangkok, Thailand.
• Stressed out with work due to JCI Audit.
• JCI Audit is over last week.
• Noorhisham is getting engaged,congrats.
• Mus and me are doing fine.
• Mom is ending work soon=Full-time housewife.
• Been planning out on working in Dubai.

I cant,I miss u blogger.

I can't coz i miss you blogger.
I still think ur the best actually..
I get all the privacy here but not in multiply...
I got all anonymous readers there but here only people who are close to me knows abt it...
I guess i will come back here..
I admit that there's loads of sad posts here but it the fact right and i can't change it...
If i change it then it wont be real...
I miss you blogger..
Sorry that i left you for awhile....
I will stay on for sure...
I promise...

Today is the beginning of my annual leave again.
I'm not going anywhere this time round.
Like you know,one of my resolution this year is to save money.
I wanna have a sum of money to prepare for my rainy days.
My colleagues has been bugging me to take a part-time degree but i
dont think that is my ultimate priority for now.
And I met with someone new..his name is Ady Ahmari..
a nice chap i must say..
We had a long night learning about each other's past and basically getting to know each other.
I enjoyed his company and find his presence as somewhat nice :)
I hope we could last and make good company for each other :)
I don't want to put any heart into this..
coz he clearsly says he is not into any kind of a relationship...
i understood and agreed.
Cheers to us.

The End.

To all my avid readers,
I will not be blogging here anymore.
When i read back all my previous post,
I noticed too many sad posts.
So Emo...


I'm starting to blog @ multiply.
Much fun there.

Thank you.
Goodbye Blogger.

Cancelled.

Moral of the story:
Don't plan ahead.

Holiday with Bestie is cancelled.
She just don't feel like going.
Fine.
Holiday with Family is also most probaby gonna be cancelled coz' Mom don't feel like going as she is fearful of the Monsoon season.
Sigh.
I feel like going holiday alone la.
Luckily,I am going to Bangkok next week.
But what am i gonna do during my leave?
I have to go somewhere.
Somewhere out of Singapore.
And guess what?
I can't wait for my bond to end.
1 year plus to go before i could say Bubbye to them all...
Pls pls...quickened the time....
I'm getting sick of everything here.

Hurt.

I hope I am wrong...
But it clearly shows it is so right...
How could you....
I'm so dissapointed with you...
So so hurt...