A starter for the day.

My night shift went on well last night.
Kak Midah and me went for breakfast at Tekka.
I had prata and she had a plate of rice.
Before going home,I decided to pack rice for my mom and bro at home.
When I reached home,mom was already up and reading newspaper with her coffee.
I told her that i bought her breakfast and with my tired face i walked in and put my bag in my room.
When I came out of my room,I was shocked to see my mom was weeping...
She was weeping and telling me that she knows I have so many problems in my head and that she doesnt want me to keep it to myself.
I acted cool and told her not to cry and that i'm ok.
She asked me about Mus and asked me if Mus have borrowed my $$ all this while...
I was shocked and my heart was pounding..I can't bear to lie to her...
I just nodded and tell the truth...
She then says..no wonder I see that ur always short of $$ even though your pay is good enough for urself..
She then told me that she also suspected that i'm using my savings.
I just told her off that I will handle everything and I don't want her or my dad to get worried.
I'm the one who chose to be with Mus last time and i think i deserve to handle it on my own account.
I shall be responsible for my own mistake.
I'm a person who learnt from my past.
It hurts to see how people can be so unappreciative of you.
At the end of the day,
it is the facts of life.
I have got to face it and be wiser next time.
I sometimes think that why do i keep bumping into the wrong guy?
But Insya Allah,I will meet with the right guy someday.

But it just hurts me so much to see my mom crying out so badly for me...
it hurts me so bad...
So,that was the start of my day today.

Emotionally Attached.

I just don't know why but i am easily attached to my patients especially if they are just so smart and very chatty.I love them.They can just put a big smile on my face whenever I am feeling down or tired.My patients get attached to me very easily too.Maybe becoz i just love to entertain them and try every way i can to just sit by their side and talk to them.I have always love kids and my mom and relatives knows about it very well.

I always dream of having kids of my own and i wonder how they will be...surely as lovely as all other kids are.


I understand why parents are usually very anxious and over-react when their child is admitted in ICU coz a child is oh-so-precious to their parents.To lose them is a painful and almost an undescribable agony that every parents have to face.Being a nurse and watching them going tru' it is also a painful feeling.We go tru' the painful journey together but at the end of the day,if the kid fails to hold on,we just have to let them go rather than making them suffer even more.


After losing my beloved patient Allahyarham Dzulkifly,,I realized that my emotions are really fragile and i realized that i'm easily attached to kids very easily...But i also have to know that I have to be strong too coz' i can't afford to be too sad if i lost them coz' I'm just their healthcare provider and that i have done what i have to do to the best of my ability.


But not denying the fact that i'm a human with feelings too..I love kids and its okay to cry and be sad when they are gone.Meanwhile,life is short and i have got to cherish every moment i have with all the patients that i truly love....


In Loving memory of my Beloved patient Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.
You are always in my prayers,sweetheart.



Currently,my oh-so-manje patient.My Lil' Justin.
He'll whine adorably if i go just few metres away.
We communicate in English and Mandarin ok coz' he is from China.
He understood me really well hor.That clearly shows my Mandarin not bad wat..!! hahaha!
Guess wat? He calls me Ba-by ok...aww...so cute! But now i taught him to call me Ya-ti Jie-jie.He is getting it.. :) smart guy.

My Second Fishing Trip.

Venue:Pasir Ris PayPond.

Time:9am to 7pm

People:Ahmad,Izzul,Kak Midah & Me.

FishCatchers:Ahmad,Izzul & Me

Fish Caught: Ahmad-Ikan Bawal Izzul-Ikan Terubuk Me-Nothing!

Trip Review:Awesome! I'm aiming for a fish the next trip!!!

Aside from that.......

I lost a very special patient of mine at 0200am 15/02/09.

Mohd Nor Dzulkifly.

Dzul,

You will always have a place in my heart and prayers.

May ur soul rest in peace.

I wish you could go earlier and not suffer so much.

Now that you're gone....

I feel so sad...I'm so emotionally attached to you..

You are the smart,adorable and easy-going kid that i will never forget.

I still remember ur beautiful-cheeky smile...

the way u like to tease and disturb me....

the way u say u miss me...

the way u are so manje the moment u see me around...

I just teared when i see ur pic in my phone...

It is just so hard to believe that you're gone now when i took care of you just few days before u went away...

But i felt good that the 2 days i took care of you,I did my best to ensure that ur at ur most comfortable state and to try fulfill all your wishes...

I'm glad I had caress ur forehead and told you that ''kakak yati sayang Dzul.."

*Al-fatihah..*

*Tearful*

My 2009 V day.

My V date with Bestie was cancelled.

She was not feeling well.

And so i just stayed at home.

Cuzzies called at 10pm and asked me to get ready coz they wanna date me out for a late midnight movie.

And we had a blast last night.

I had an awesome time.

Started our day at 12 midnite and ended at 8am.

We were really flatt in the cab home...!

My V day this year is great...!

:)

And ..I'm going fishing tomorrow! Yahoo!

Officially not with you.

I'm officially not with Mus anymore.
I have made up my mind for once and for all.
I have consult some of my close frens regarding the matter and all of them think my decision is the right one.
And I'm sure if my parents knows about the whole story,they will definitely not be happy seeing me with Mus.
Now,I need to get on with my life.

First and foremost:Lose weight!
Secondly: Save up more!!
Thirdly: Spend most time with my beloved family...
Fourth:Slowly work on my future plans...(I got few choices with this one...)

Praying for the best. :)

P.S. I will be out with bestie tomorrow's evening for our V day.... :) (well it is just coincident that we r both free tomorrow la actually....)

Drained Out.

I was out the whole day yesterday.
My day started as early as 430am.
Work started at 7am.
ICU was hell busy.
My patient almost got up from bed and walk!
Scary!
I never really hav time to sit down and write a proper report.
My leg was aching like mad.
Ended work and then went to Maz's wedding.
Luckily we got Izah to fetch us with her car or I'll just be hailing a taxi home...
Maz looked gorgeous with her songket baju kurung.
We ate and chit-chat for some time and then Kak Midah and Izah decided to head Changi airport as we are already so near...
And so we chill out @Poppyes till about 1230am.
And then Izzah sent us home one by one.
I was the last one to be sent home and I was only able to sleep at about 230am after i showered.
I was really really tired.

This happens in Singapore ok!

Slacking out @Poppyes Changi Airport.

Ahmad & me at the backseat of Izah's Car.

The lamp-post couple.

I slept tru' but still able to answer my ringing phone at 3 plus in the morning.
Bi called to wish me good nite.
And then I don't remember anything.
At 8am,Sham called.
To wish me good morning and i was really half awake.
Then i slept back n don't remember anything..
At 10am mom woke me up and ask me to get changed to go to my cousin brother's wedding.
I just couldnt open my eyes and told mom to go ahead and send my regards to him.
Plus I could actually escape from meeting people I dont really fancy on meeting. Hehe~
I only woke up at about 12noon...
Gosh my whole body was aching...
I feel that i need to go start jogging soon...
My body feels lethargic and weak.
I need to kick start my regime!

Breaking myself.

I took a sick leave from work today.
I can't get up of bed coz' my head was darn heavy.
As usual...migraine hits me.
I woke up in the morning at 9am and ordered MacD Hotcakes for my mom and bro coz' my mom was craving for it lately.
I woke up with a very puffy eyes.
I knew my mom will notice it plus she knows i'm supposed to be working day shift today.
I just told her that i need a rest today coz' of my migraine and that i need a peace of mind after I ended things with Mus last night.
She just kept quiet,looked at me for a moment and said...its ok...everything is gonna be alrite...things happened...if he is really meant for u...he'll come back to you...if he is not the one...pray for his happiness....
I just nod and was tearful....
Someone msg me in MSN too to ask if i am ok...think he could somehow feel it or he probly read my post.He said everything is gonna be fine too...
In this point of time...everything is easier said than done and especially for me to go tru' this heartbreak again and again.
I was quite calm for the rest of the day but not after i woke up from my rest.
I woke up feeling empty...very very empty...
it is like i'm yearning for my Bi...
and dying to know if he is doing ok there...
My heart feels like a roller coaster...all kind of feelings mixed up that it makes me wanna throw up...
And so i msged him jst to check if everything is ok and that he is doing fine coz' actually i'm not doing that fine....
he replied awhile later saying he is not ok and that his mom is in hospital..
I felt like my heart dropped...
I msged him back asking if there is anything i can help or anything that he needs...
He then replied "I will manage my own k...u've helped me enough.I love you always Bi,sorry for everything....."
and the only stupid thing i can do is just cry and cry and cry.....!!
It is just breaking my heart to let him go....and moreover to hear that he is not doing ok there....it felt terrible for me....it really does...

I'm so tired of crying..
I wanna eat my meds and sleep tru....
Good night.

Crushed.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm lost.
I want to end things but my tears just couldn't stop.
I Love him so much that it is hurting me to let him go.
And I'm also hurt if i never let go of him.
What is this?
I'm confused.....
I really am....
At this point of time i really need someone to talk to me.
But everyone is asleep soundly....
I feel so so breathless with this endless tears...
I already end things with him.
He didn't said much.
He seem to have so many things up in his head.
But he never wanna share it with me.
I don't know...
I feel so so empty.....

The last thing he said was ''can i call u if i need someone to talk to..?"
With my cracky voice...i just said yes....
It hurts ....it really hurts me....
I asked him "you don't love me anymore is it..?"
He said no..he just don't want to trouble me...

I don't know if i could work later...
My mind is messed up now....
my eyes are swollen...
my heart is aching...
I'm having chest pain...
My migraine is getting worse.....

If only he could open up himself more to me...
I will probably understand....
But what can I say...
It's over.
I'm just gonna slowy pick up the pieces and bring myself together...
And take each day as it goes...
It will definitely take time for me...
Slowly I will...Insya Allah...
May Allah give me the strength to overcome this obstacles...
Amin~.......

Too much.

It is just too much for me to swallow.

It is darn painful.

My mum had seen me cry over my Ex-Someone.

And now it is just so shitty she have to see me cry again coz of you,bi.

I hate it.

I really hate it.

Guys are guys!!!!!!!

Never make any more promises to me people,

Coz' i am just so done with it!

New Stuffs.

Psst.

I know how to fish already!

But still need to learn la...

Thanks to Izzul coz' he taught me how to...

Me,Ahmad & Izzul went for Fishing @ Sembawang Park yesterday.

I caught nothing,but I learnt how to connect the rail & hook to the rod etc.

I know how to throw the rod too!

No luck this time but i will surely hope I have luck in the near future.

I don't think I wanna go out with Izzul & Ahmad anymore coz some people are not happy with it.

I wanna go fishing the next time with my beloved cuzzin sister.

More peace.

And i meet up with Sham for supper.

Its been long since we last met.

Almost a year!

And he told me that I put on EXTREME weight!!!

Oh yes.. I know...

I will slowly but surely shed it off...

Thanks for taking the time to meet up with me and hear me out.

I really appreciate it.

I had a wonderful time with you. :)

And I already made up my mind.

I am not going to Lang Tengah Island with my colleagues(usual kakis).

Coz' I just want to go Terengganu with my family.

A family trip is what i have always wanted for so long.

Sorry colleagues,go ahead without me aite.

I'm so excited bout' this family trip i'm going.

Thanks mom,for agreeing to go.

Love you,mmmuaacckss!

So far yet so near.

"...COZ I’M ALWAYS AROUND YOU
AND I’LL MAKE YOU SEE
HOW BEAUTIFUL LIFE IS FOR YOU AND ME
TAKE A LITTLE TIME BABY
SEE THE BUTTERFLIES’ COLORS
LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
THAT WERE SENTTO SING FOR ME AND YOU
CAN YOU FEEL ME
THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE
EVEN IF THERE IS PAIN NOW
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
FOR AS LONG AS THE WORLD STILL TURNS
THERE WILL BE NIGHT AND DAY
CAN YOU HEAR ME
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN.."

My Lovey Mus made me cry....
He sent me a sms of the words above...
it was from a song which he introduce to me last time...
I love the song and he loves it too...
Its the meaning behind it that always motivates me to go on...
Everyday before or after work i will always hear this song...
coz it is indeed a special song...
Tk care of yourself for me...
I will be waiting for you to come back on 2nd Feb.
I miss you so so much...
I love you always and as much as i always do...

Marina Barrage.

Marina Barrage is awesome.

Spectacular view.

Perfect weather.

Great company of my beloved cuzzin sisters & Baby Aryan.

I had fun.

But I simply can't deny the fact that I miss Mus so much.

And he is always in my mind.

Now he is in Thailand.

Is it really i am expecting too much from him or am i really not being treated well...??

I really don't know....

I'm actually very sad that i only get to know that he will b going away several hours before his flight and that we are actually in the midst of an argument and giving each other cold treatment...

I'm really sad...

But it has happened.

I miss you so so much bi...

Especially when you are so far away from me...

At times i just feel like going far far away from everything......

I wanna curl up like a baby sleeping soundly and just don't want to think of anything.

It cuts right in.

I know Mus will surely get hurt reading my blog.
I meant who wouldn't get hurt if i say i'm not happy with him right...
I understand him....
But he will never know how it feels for me...

He says he has no choice.
Yes... i understand....
work is a necessity...
and i'm an impatient bugger to you...
I dont know how to be patient...
Blame it all on me....
Maybe it is just me...
i'm a stressor to your life...

I've cried so much last night.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I tot i wanna go somewhere peaceful today...

Tk care of yourself.
I think i heard u said last night ur going Thailand today....
I didn't know bout it until last night...
and that is why i think we dont have to meet up since you are in a rush...
safe journey to and fro Love....

I Love myself.

After i chatted with Someone, then i feel much more stronger now.
I feel even more sure that i'm making the right decision.
I got his opinion as a guy and as a fren who wants the best for their frens.
And i'm not making this decision becoz of anyone but myself.

I hope i could make this clear to Mus soon.
Of course to be fair,I will let him explain on his part since he wanted to meet up before i end things off with him...
And then,i will think it tru' for one last time and decide from there.
I am very sure of this.
I deserve to be happy.

Thanks someone, coz i really think u deserve my thank you.
Some frens don't really bothers to listen to me especially if they are already happy with their life just like how happy you are now :)
So,i thank you.

I can't be going tru' all these again!

I really can't close my eyes now.

And i'm aware that i'm working tomorrow and I have to wake up as early as 0430 hrs.

But I just can't.

I already made up my mind on friday night and told my decision to Mus.

And I even told him not to call me up anymore.

And for heaven sake i was really firm on it.

However,he insisted that we meet up this upcoming week and talk about the matter.

He said i think too much.

What???

How can i not think too much when he treated me like the way he did??

If you are in my position you'll probly know how awful the feeling is.

And just now,

he called to check on me and to tell me some ''great'' news!

His company is sending him to work in New Zealand..

OOhh great...

why do i always have partners who always have to leave me so far...??

why....

oh god...give me the sign for all these pls......

He said he don't know whether to go or not...

And he thought my voice sounded cracky in the phone...

of coz i am..I am holding back the water that is trying to flood over my eyes and down to my cheeks!!!

But if he has to go..he better go soon...

coz i'm like so used to it already...

the past has taught me and i'm surely gonna be ok...

For now,I'm just speechless and only waiting for the day we could meet up and talk about all the matters that has been going on between us.

Are all these signs telling me that i should go out of Singapore soon too..??

Farewell Dinner.

Yesterday me and few of my colleagues had our farewell dinner for Shi Lin.

She is leaving to be back to her home country,China.

Well,she told me probably she will slack for few months then go to US or UK to work.

She got all my support!

Who would want to be stuck in this pathetic work area???

I can't wait to be out too!!

Well,all the best for your future endeavours Shi Lin.

Gonna miss you for sure.

We hope the farewell dinner could make as a memorable event for you when you're there in China... :)

P.S : Have i told you that after finish watching my 34 episodic drama of The Little Nyonya,I am now enjoying my Grey's Anatomy.I'm loving it.You see,this is one of the reason i always have to keep on skipping my jogging regime coz i'm stuck to the TV!! Ok after the grey's Anatomy ok..??Gotta drag this heavy butt of mine to work it out man!

oh geez...i'm resuming work tomoro! Damn it.

Back to where i started.

Left with only 2 days of my leave.
Resuming work on Monday.

Though my holiday this time round is spent just here in Singapore.
I'm glad and thankful i spent it well.

Many things has happened between me and Mus.
Well maybe just on my part coz' he always seems cool.
What is a problem to me is always nothing to him.
I really don't want to think about him anymore...
He just won't appreciate...
I've even written him a very long email since he always have to work and no time for us to meet.
In that email,i've told him abit bout my past and how i really feel now and that i want him to reply to me whenever he can to explain himself to me...
But he is being ignorant...
One day he will know how it feels to be me...

And on that account i have to admit that no Man has ever treated and Love me as well as Someone did.
I'm not comparing and i'm not expecting highly of a man but just basic actions that could tell me how sincere you really are.Actually,if you really are a sincere man like Someone is,you don't have to do much,just be yourself and your sincerity and love will get itself to me.

I will never be able to live my life with a person like Mus.
I will not be happy.
Unless he change.
But i don't expect him to change.
Its been almost a year and still i see no progress...
I will just slowly bring myself away from him...

Arrgghhh...
Not again......

I'm not gonna let myself drown in tears and be weak.
I wanna be a strong person like Yue-niang(The Little Nyonya).
Maybe i should open up a business selling Bird Nest...? LOL

This silent night.

Its already 2:07am...
All i could think about Someone...
He just appeared in my mind all of a sudden when i hear this song i am playing in my blog now...
I wonder what he is doing right now...
probably talking with his other half on the phone...
I'm kinda missing him actually...
Just miss how he used to be one so very special person in my life...

But
its all the old good memories...
Well...wishing him happiness always with his Loved ones.

I think i'm missing him becoz' my Lovey Mus has been busy..so busy actually

that i didn't even have the chance to tell him how lonely i am...

I dunno why..

I feel tired with always having to be the one showing my care and concern to him...

now he only calls me once a day or once every 2 days just to tell that he is home and tired...

i tried to be the most understanding person i could be but sometimes it is not worth it...

I dont even know if he even appreciates it.

for now i am just holding on for how long more i myself don't know...

i have suggested many times for us to go separate ways but he don't want and wants to change for the better....

i stayed on thinking that we could work it out slowly with patience and determination...

but it has been like so many times already....

Bi, do you even know how awful i feel?

And u should know how sincere i am towards you...

I pray everyday that you would change for the better and treat me the way i'm deserved to be treated.

I Love you like i always do and like i always told you...

I used to be the happiest girl in a relationship when i was with Someone but not now with Mus...

But not all happy relationship have a happy ending and not all unhappy relationship ends in an unhappy ending....

But on the part of the unhappiness you sometimes makes me the happiest,Bi...

thank you for that....

If we are not fated to be together,i will always remember u as a sweet,romantic,humorous,lean,muscular,fair,tall,mysterious special someone in my life.

Good nite and sleep tight baby.

Me-Time.

My Annual leave starts today.
No plans to travel though.
Need to save up for rainy days.
Gonna spent my leave mostly at home cleaning,cooking,decorating etc.

I feel ''sufocated" by everyone around me nowadays.
They come to you when they have problem and gone with the wind when they're having good times!!
It is probably about time i think more about myself first rather then putting others before me.
Poor me.
More ME-time please.

Welcome 2009.

My new year's eve started as early as 630am.
I went to settle some problems with my cuzzie before i got home at abot 12 noon
Rested for awhile and then at about 8pm,met up with Wani for our sorta "private party."

Bestie didn't turn up last minute.Fine.

I was actually not in the mood.

My plan to meet up with Nurisham also was cancelled coz i don't want to pull a long face when i meet up with him.

Sorry awak.

And so Wani and me headed to Breeks to hav our dinner before we met up with Fairuz and company for our mini party at Clarke quay.

We sat down by the river in a circular manner and played UNO cards.

While some of them gulped down alcoholic,i just do my own stuffs coz i dun really know some of them.

Luckily,Wani and I decided to walk around and then we hit the Bungy Bar.

It was really cool.Wani had her Bikini Martini while i had my Orange Juice as usual. LOL.

We dance for a bit coz the songs was really good got us grooving to the beats.

We headed back to our spot and join the company again for some chit chats,jokes and more card games before we call it a day.

Welcome 2009.

Hopefully a better year for us all.

Insya allah.

Amin.