So Low.

I decided to take a different route home from work today.I just feel like having a slow & long journey home.I was in my deep thoughts throughout the whole journey home..it felt so mellow...I want to go out of Singapore and work in Dubai..not that i hate Singapore,just wanna have time off from here and explore the other side of the world and earned good money.

Dear Allah,pls make the time go faster...

Distant & Distance.

I don't know when the tags was sent to her.But I don't blame you if you really love her coz' Love can't be forced or lead.It may be just a tag.But it does have a meaning.Don't worry coz' i will never blame you...I have no rights over you.I totally understand that you and her are just Mama & Papa on the net and you guys may just be frens.But as a lady who loves somebody,she will eventually feel hurt when she sees someone she Love gets real close and intimate with another lady...Like i said,you have all the rights to Love anyone you want to.I'm not angry or anything.Probably just jealous & hurt.But again i said,i'm no one to get jealous of you over someone else.I have no right to.I'm actually angry and hurt with myself coz' i Love a person too much.I should Love myself more.I realized that my heart is not that hard to go tru' all of it.It has been hurt too much.Pls don't feel guilty over anything alright.This is nature of Life.We never run out of complicatedness,problems,hurt and misunderstandings.I don't want to be a hinder for you to fall for anyone that is probably meant for you...
Dear Diary,
It just hurt me to see or to know someone you Love is showing Love to someone else.My tears just rolled down my cheeks when i saw the tags on her profile.It hurts to know someone who says LOVE to you saying it to someone else.I know this kind of things is gonna happen especially with my complicated status.I'm aware of the risk i'm putting on myself.Everytime I meet him and spent my time with him,I feel that i am special to him but when i see photos or Loving words of him and her,I feel hurt.Maybe I should just keep a distance and not let myself fall for him further coz' everytime he stares into my eyes,my Love just adds on...and being a girl,you will be in a miserable position to Love somebody who isn't yours to begin with...*teary*
Oh Allah....
I believe in fate and i have strong faith...if we r meant to be..we will be..insya allah..if we r not...I'm accepting it with an open heart...
P.S. I'm getting impatient to go Dubai/Saudi Arabia to work..maybe i could find more peace there.

Been & Back.

Been & back from my Terengganu family trip.Awesome.Each of my family members had loads of fun.We felt happy as a family.Same goes with my Cuzzie's family.Both of our family was the most 'kecorable.'We had loads of fun,crap,camwhoring & food!!Though the journey took half of our life,haha! we are happy that we get to enjoy watching all the latest Malaysian Movies like Anak Halal,Cinta U-turn etc.Out tour guide is cute! Well, i'm just attracted to his smile for awhile although he is like my dad's age! lol.But after the 2nd day,my infatuation for him just vanished ..lol!
The 2nd day of the trip was tiring.We went to many places which i'm not so fancy about.We went to visit the famous Batik-production place,Nur Arfah Batik.Then,we head to Pasar Payang,the places where the people like our Moms would love...! Sigh...We check-in to our Grand Continental Hotel at about 2pm.We showered,refreshed ourself and headed to Masjid Kristal for our next destination.I so love this place! It is simply gorgeous!My uncle did alot of fun shots here in courtesy of his Olympus SLR camera.We have loads of fun here! We even have ice-cream session!My uncle's treat! Yum yum..We had buffet dinner at Permai Inn's hotel.Fine dining restaurant.Good food.Sedap!Finally we head back to our hotel and Zzzz..
Woke up at 6am on the 3rd day,all ready by 7am for our buffet breakfast.The food was average.Then we are all ready for our Resort destination.Awana Kijal Beach & Spa resort.We headed for the Keropok Lekor stall.Yummy..sedap...syiok! Bought some Keropok Lekor and then off we go to Kijal.Once we reached the resort we are like so excited! Beautiful place.we feel so relaxed.Just by looking at the gorgeous scenery,i feel so calm and peaceful.Arrhh..i wish i could live here and not be back here in Singapore where life is so stressful! geez!We went swimming in the swimming pool,went sight seeing on the beautiful beach but was not allowed to swim as there is a red flag indicating it is not safe to swim coz' it is the South China sea and not well protected.We really had loads of fun here at the resort.Everyone was all smile and laughter...!We had buffet Dinner here before we went exploring on the resort.The 12 of us was so happy that night tho' we felt quite tired.At about 11pm,we went in to our rooms and my other cuzzies crashed into our room and watched lake placid 1 & 2 shown on star movies while we munch on our late night snacks! By about 1am.We all went flatt..Zzz..
On the final day,woke up at 6am and had our buffet breakfast.We are all ready for check-out at 10am.So sad to leave Awana.But kinda miss Singapore actually.Erm..missing someone so much too...i'm glad and thankful my family and i are back in Singapore safely.
Do look out for the pics.

With a Heavy Heart.

Tomorrow i will be off to Terengganu for awhile.I should be happy but i wasn't feeling that way.My heart is heavy to leave for a holiday even tho' i have been wanting to get out from here to de-stress.Is it becoz i got lots of things up my head..? I don't want to think too much...but when ur head is in a mess,you wont feel at ease right? Make sense right..?

Gonna be working later.Gonna be home tomorrow morning.Gonna leave for Terengganu at bout 9pm.I still havent get my stuffs ready.I just dump everything on the sofa and i think i will pack tomoro before i leave the house?? rushing? I don't care.

Pray for my family's safe journey to and fro ya.

Drag for work.

I'm dragging to go to work.If not becoz of my motivation to nurse my poor patients,I would just call for an E-leave.

Oh god....

P.S I miss you...

Departures.

I'm back from a movie trip with Zal.We saw 'Departures'.Unique storyline i must say.Very teary towards the end of the movie coz' it is so sad ok...I can't hold back my tears lor.. Zal saw me teared and laughed at me... hmm..he also wanna cry i know...he just acted cool...! lol.So peeps,go and watch it aite...! Thumbs up!

Well.....i really don't know what is wrong with me nowadays...I guess i'm just stressed out mentally,physically,financially and whatever-ly ...I hope i can de-stress during my Terengganu trip...

P.S I'm hurting inside but i don't mind if it's gonna take for as long as i live...

I wanna get out from here.

I have been so stressed out for the past few days.Feels like my skull almost burst.Work was super busy yesterday.I'm so pissed off with my superior.I wonder where her brain has gone to??? Can't you even assess how critical is the patient.You don't just any-oh-how assign people to nurse two heavy cases ! I find you very biased and you are not suitable to even be the superior! Idiot. Even though it is not me whom you are assigning the patients too,it is my colleague that you are being biased with.Poor thing my senior kakak.Luckily i was done with transfering my patient up and could help ease her workload abit.Some people are just brainless,heartless and whatever-less la! If you think you wanna be biased,get lost!

I hate working in this type of environment.seriously.I just can't wait for my bond to end.I'm so gonna get out from there.

I'm going to Terengganu on Thursday night but i simply can't find time to pack and prepare my stuffs...Oh geez! Work has taken a toil on me.Any kind soul can help me pack my stuffs???Think is about time I take my mind off Singapore.Terengganu,here we come.

P.S. I dind't know skinned knees are so painful..been tolerating with the pain for like several days already..But i still think skinned knees are easier to nurse than a broken heart. Get well soon to Dearest-Me....

The Fall.

I had a great fall.*sob sob* I was rushing to hail a cab to meet mom for our threading session...I suddenly tripped over something and fell on the road surface. Ouch...blood was oozing from the injurt site...my skin was tore by the super rough surface of the road... arrghh..wanted to cry but i was all alone..must be strong and act cool la...i got up...apologize to the taxi uncle that i have to rush home to change my pants.I called mom and told her i will be slightly late..I got changed,hailed a cab and headed to little India to meet mom..showed her my knees and she was shocked.She said it looks scary...hmm...maybe it's the blood that keeps oozing..i cleanse my wound with normal saline and pressed a few gauze over it to give a bit of pressure.What an unlucky day.And i have to start work tomoro...how irritating...!

Love for Money or Money for Love?

Alhamdulilah my sore throat and rashes have somewhat recovered.sigh~ after so long of being at home i will be back to resume work on wednesday night.Only several more days to my Terengganu trip...sigh~ i'm gonna be broke!spent a bomb on the trip itself..but i don't mind coz' i have always wish for a family trip.I just have to work a bit more harder the following months :(

In the midst of our economic crisis today,i randomly thought that money is very essential...it plays vital role...sometimes i wish i was born to a rich family or be married to a rich husband..but isn't it not as ineresting as my life now coz now i have to work my ass out to get money and try every way possible to save up here and there...? interesting huh? yup...and hell it was tough ok...So,if i already am a rich girl,i would only be at home,wasting my precious time doing manicure,pedicure and whatever i can cure rite..?? lol..boring huh..?

But money is undeniably important as it keeps us going...going and going and going for more...it motivates us to work..work harder..harder and hardest....See what money can make us do huh..?

However,i still have that conventional thinking that money can't buy Love...we can find money but we can never find Love with money...it will stick that way for as long as humans remains as humanly as they are supposed to be...personally, i think money can be worked out...really.I came from a very poor family background to the extend that my dad only has 1 ten cent coin and few 5 cents coins in his pockets when me and bros were like 8-9 year old..we squeezed our tummy for a day just to wait for Dad's payday...we learnt the hard way...but even so,we are so in Love and united as a family...we cry and laugh together...and to me that is the greatest value of life...LOVE

And it is always out of Love for someone that we do something.Especially if it is someone's GENUINE needs.

Love is the ultimate reason for everything i do.Even tho' i have the least of what is wanted most by someone that i love,i would give it all to the someone coz' its just about LOVE.

Just don't give Love a bad name.

Oh you can call me a passionate cum Lovey-Dovey girl~I don't care.

Not too well..

I'm not at a well state to continue on my exercise regime..sigh...I don't want to get Myocarditis if i continue with my regime..I think i need to have a break for now..will resume once i'm recovered..my throat is sore...my neck rash is bad..been bunning up my hair,applying moisturisers,taking Chlopheniramine tablets but still to no avail...Kak Midah asked me to go to the doc to get my Promethazine Jab...hmm..will think of it first..see if its getting any better by tonight...Haiz...

Tomorrow i will be accompanying my cousin sister to the court regarding my cousin bro in law's case...hope she is gonna be fine...and hope everything is gonna be fine.I'm actually thankful that people trusts me alot...even my cousin bro in law trust me alot...i'm only 22 yrs old and yet he says that i'm very matured in thinking and could guide my cousin sister who is like 30 years old??? hmm...i feel so old... whatever it is...i just think that if you do things with an open heart,people will trust and believe in you...Actually,i just sympathized with my niece and nephews..i hope the kids are doing fine...Qistina,Qusyairi,Qarin,Qaiser&Qadri,Auntie Yati will always pray for all of your well-being k...pls study hard and be a respectable person when you grow up.Insya Allah.Amin~

I will be resuming work on Wednesday.Woah..its been long..! I miss all my cute patients! I hope all of you are back home,well,healthy and happy...Sometimes i feel like i want to have a kid all for myself...i yearn for that feeling...can i adopt?? hehe...at least i wont feel lonely..i have baby crying,baby giggling,baby talking etc..all at the comfort of my own house...hmm..but my parents will not like the idea... they said that why must i adopt if i can have my own kids and build a family??? haiz...they don't know that Love is complicated and hurtful nowadays...adopting a kid is a bypass to all the problems of relationship...hehehe! I want to escape i think...yes,it is scary esp if you've been hurt so badly by ur past...but actually...to think of it...i'm thankful i have bad experiences in my past coz' it makes me a better person today...but the fear of getting hurt again is undeniably strong still...coz u know how painful it is. haha ok..i think i'm so random in my post here....this is the cause of being drowsy after i took my Chlopheniramine tablets..hehe..i better go before i blabber further.. Gd Day peeps...!

I cherish moments with you.

I have so many updates to post...Gosh..its only 2 or 3 days of break from blogging and i'm having so many updates lor.Ok ok...First & foremost...I finally went night fishing with Zan... :) so so fun and i'm all smiles. I truly enjoyed myself and learnt quite a number of stuffs on fishing from my fishing mentor himself,Zan. :) And i miss him so much...when i finally got to see him,I was like....arrgghh...I want to hug u so much!!!! But i hold back and don't want to give him the impression that i don understand him in wanting us to just be friends first... haiz..life is tough...Niways,not so lucky during first few hours of fishing but at about 12am..the fish keeps on hooking to Zan's bait...so exciting!!!! In total he caught 5 fish!! I caught nothing :( but Zan being as sweet as he always is,gives me 2 big fish to bring home!! sweet right? :) Bring home and showed mom.Mom was happy to see the big fish and asked me to thank Zan personally :) And did i tell you that Zan has good voice...he sang Seribu Tahun and i have it recorded.I watch the video whenever I feel like i miss him so much :( it's hard missing and loving a friend you know.... :( In summary,it was a wonderful night.Will upload the photos after i get permission from Zan ok.

And today,is Bestie's Bday.I just got home from the Bar and I couldn't sleep coz I miss him..so here i am blogging and listening to his voice :) Anyways,we had Seoul Garden for dinner and head down Clarke Quay to chill at the bar.Not into all this Bar thingy coz I don touch alcohol and the only thing i can drink is fruit punch and coke..coke?? I don't take fizzy drinks..and so i had fruit punch and i was really restless throughout coz' my neck got a bad rash.I head back home early.I hope bestie enjoyed herself.Happy Bday to you Bestie.I Love you always.I will upload photos soon.

Now...im washed and cleaned and on my bed with my lappy.I thought i wanna hear his voice before i sleep but poor thing he is already asleep.I put lotion on my neck and popped in 2 tablets of Chlopheniramine.I hope my rash is goona be better when i woke up later.Good Night everyone.It is now 4am 28 March 2009.

P.S. I Love you,I Miss you but I understand you.

Hungry but Wary.

Its already 3:45am.I went to bed at about 1:30am with the hope of falling asleep as soon as i put my head on the pillow.But it seems that i can't.I don't even know the reason why.I woke up and drink a glass of water.Switched on my room's TV and watch MIO TV.Not so interesting programmes on it.Switched off and here i am blogging. Oh geez...I have too much sleep in my Annual Leave i guess.But not true also coz' i always sleep late and wakes up early.What is on my mind really..???

yes..i miss him...but i could sleep the other night though i know i miss him...so what could be the reason why i can't sleep..??? oh yes finally...i'm hungry!!! lol...damn my tummy is growling..i only ate apple for dinner on the hope that i could kickstart my diet regime. And so I get up and ate Mee soto without the Mee just to make me feel better...only eat the soup and chicken lor.

Arrhh..now i feel good and nice..I can sleep peacefully...before i sleep....i'm gonna do 50 crunches just to make myself feel better....haha..i am paranoid...i know..but i don't care..i damn need to lose weight..! I miss being lighter as i was 2 years ago...i'm so not gonna binge again just becoz of a guy or a failed relationship.Enuf is enuf.I so Love myself ok.Working out to turn me into this picture:

A New Me.

In the midst of seeking inner peace within me,I realizes and learnt something about myself that i wish to improve on.My over-sensitive feelings and insecurities. I think that no one can ever tolerate for long if i myself never want to try to improve on it.I try to put myself in the other party 's shoes and realizes that it is freakin' irritating to have a partner like me.Haha..really.I realized.It is ok to be sensitive on selective issues but on some issues like Love,Love is just too strong for anything else esecially my sensitivity and insecurities.

I want to be a new,improved me.I want to be more rational and a positive thinker in overall.I will not let my past experience haunt my present and assume that everyone is the same.I want to learn more about people and analyze them at my own pace of thinking.I want to be confident of my own self and let go of my insecurities.I can still be sensitive but not overly-sensitive.And yes,when i am slowly improving myself with time,Insya Allah Love will come by naturally and with a bonus point that i'm a better person with time.Then only,Love can be a lifetime for me..Insya Allah.

P.S. I want to seek inner peace at a continuous rate :)

Inner peace.

I think i'm just messing up my own life...

Everyday,things just got messier...

I feel down most of the time and only happy for just a moment...

I don't want to think about Love....

I don't want to think about Love.....

I don't want to think about Love ever again....

My heart is damaged...

Damaged.....

I just wanna make myself better and improve myself with everyday that passes by.

Seeking peace within me..

Missing you.

I'm really missing him..Everytime I feel like talking to him either by MSN or SMS i take a step back coz' i'm well aware of where i stand..and afraid that i might be such an irritating pest to him...I think the best now is for me to just do my own things...if he really needs me or still Loves me he will for sure show some initiative....if he doesn't,I should just try my best to put the Love away...Don't want to be hurt further...or perhaps don't want to risk my heart and hurt it again and again...

Well,my annual leave is here...gonna be spending most of my time at home...I want to stay in the comfort of my nestling...

Recovering from Migraine and Flu.

Migraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Recovering From Flu and Migraine.

igraine,Flu has been with me for the past days.
But Alhamdulilah i'm recovering from it after i took some medicines prescribed by my workplace Doctor.
I hate to fall sick coz' it makes me feel weak and down.
And when i feel down i would shut myself away from the outside world.
The only thing that will help me update on the outside world is only when i go to work.
And oh yes,
bout' me and Zan.We are just friends alrite.That is what he wants and thinks that its the best.
I thought so too.
And as days goes by i could see that he is not suitable for me coz' i admit that i'm a person who is very sensitive and insecure and it would be hard for him to be with someone like me.Well, i regret saying to him in the first place that i don't mind him having lots of friends coz' I tot its just casual frens.But as days progresses i find that he got loads of girlfrens and is quite ''manja'' with him.I truly am not comfortable with that.
At the end of the day,the root cause is that we don't know each other much.
Lucky thing we stopped quickly.
It was hard for me initially to let him go coz' i have strong feelings for him but i'm glad i finally did.
He told me he Loves me still.
but i think it will fade off with time by looking at the distance we have bewteen us now.
Yes,I am heartbroken.
But I learnt from it.

Apart from that,I have two more night shifts before I'm having my Annual Leave for one week.
Yeay yeay...! got loads of things to do.Tidy up my messy room,ketchup on my Class 3 license etc.
It's gonna be a fun week.

And then,
Work for few days before I am off to Terengganu on the early April.
Beloved Cuzzies,we shall be reunited soon!
Let's have loads of fun!
I want to get things off my mind!
haha!

Don't let it get me.

I really don't know what has happened to my internal emotions.
It feels weird.
One point I feel so happy and one point I feel so depressed.
And that is what happened between me and Zan (The guy i recently fall for).
We were very happy for first few days of the relationship but the insecurities in me had to spoil everything.
My insecurities which is also equals to my fear, made and triggers my thoughts to resort to negativity.
I hate being insecure.I really do.
That night my high school bestie nudge me in MSN and asked me if am ok.
She said she knows how it feels coz she had been tru' what i have been tru'.
She told me that it is just normal for me to feel insecure coz' of the failures in my past relationship but it should not have control over me.
I must have control over it.
Throughout the conversation she also told me about her past relationship and how it failed becoz' of her insecurities she used to have.
Now,she is more open and accepting of certain things and she admits that her present relationship is so much more happier and fun.
Guys are guys.They will surely have a lot of girl friends but at the end of the day,there is only this one special girl they truly Love.
IF...our partner can't reassure us...we should try reassuring ourself...it will really help.
And i know myself that i'm a person who needs constant reassurance.
I don't know now if Zan will Love me like before after what I have caused to the relationship,
I don't blame him if the Love fades away.I deserve that.
Even though I truly feel hurt that we are only friends now,
At the very least,I learnt something about myself.

Falling into you.

It has been crazy for the past week.

I went out for a few dates all at my own risk....!

Out of the 3....i can say that they all have different personality.

The first one is a for sure just looking for a fling..but i'm well treated though...

The second one is oh-so-goody-good boy...very handsome looking...very shy2...can sing karaoke really well...but there is no chemistry though...

And this 3rd one is erm.........*smiles* is so my type....

firstly...we have the same vision in life...

secondly...we both had a bad past experience and learning from it...

thirdly...we have the same interest...we both crazily love Fishing!!!

fourthly...we both have each other's dream quality.....

fifthly...we really have chemistry...strong chemistry...

Both of us just fall for each other even before we meet....and when we meet...its just so real...

Just hope it is all gonna be just right..

We gonna take it slow though..we both have had bad experience and dun want to go tru' it once again.....

Falling into you...fallen into you perhaps.....

And oh yes...I finally met Bestie and the rest of the Khakis for our buffet reunion...

It was hell fun...

lotsa food and so much stuffs to talk lor!!!!!!

I love you guys..!

Miss ya'll already....

And to Bestie,

Happy Honeymoon to Tioman with your Fabby Hubby hor.. ;)

Upate of my almost a week absence.

Wow...I've not blogged since almost a week!

I have been busy.

I went for a 2 days course at my workplace.

My manager sent me for ARC (Acute Resus. in Children) course.

I managed to pass and got myself a ARC trained card.

Alhamdulilah.

And yesterday,

I registered with BBDC for my Class 3 course.

I joined the school course coz' i think it has more pros than cons as compared to a private course.

Thenafter,I went for my first time Facial treatment with Kak Midah at hr fren's place.

I burnt 180 bucks for beauty.

I opted for the Vitamin C treatment.

It took me almost 3 hours for just beauty of my face...!

Sigh....And the outcome of it is this...

Worth it?

hmm i think got glow abit la..

But when i came back home my mom notices the diff.

She was like"Kenape berseri-seri and berkilat eh muke..?? "

LOL....